Rambling

I have always loved Valentine's Day... my husband has never cared for it much at all. This year... I don't even know what to do about it. I want to make a point of celebrating it. I feel like we should... I mean, if we are going to make it through this too... then we deserve it.

We have made "small" changes at home, and my husband says they have meant a lot to him. He told me that he does love me... but he has yet to tell me he is "in love" with me. I need to hear him say that... but I need it to be real.

In a way him losing his job was a blessing... at least I know he won't be talking to "her" any longer... at least that I know of anyway. I worry so much he will call her any chance he gets though - so I told him tomorrow we are changing our cell phone service to one that will list outgoing and incoming calls... simply for my piece of mind. (Whatever small amount it can give me anyway.)

I just feel like he has caused such an unnecessary problem in our marriage again. I don't understand why he didn't just tell me he was having problems in our marriage before he decided to get involved with and fuck this new whore. (Yes, I will insult her all I want... she slept with a married man, she gets no "innocence" perks from me.) I even heard she has a boyfriend... I wish there was a way I could get in touch with him... hopefully they are not serious... hopefully he is not planning to marry her - she obviously is not marriage material.

And I am still fighting with wanting to not even leave the house. My husband and I have been looking forward to this weekend for 2 months - my son has his shots now... so we can go out to dinner again... and I want to get all dressed up and look great when my husband gets back home from picking up my step daughter to get us so we can all go eat... but part of me just wants to crawl in bed and not deal with ANY of it. Hopefully the night will go well... we have no idea how the baby will do... my daughter used to be great, she would sleep through dinner...

I just need a way to relax. I need to sleep better. I need this knot in my stomach to go away. My mind hurts... my soul hurts, I need to hear more "I'm sorry's" from him... but then, that is keeping the pain I want to bury on the surface isn't it? I just don't know...

01.30.2004
3:30 p.m.