I have been contemplating whether or not I should even keep writing in this journal this past week. At least about my most painful topics these days... because it is all so repetitious... (but then, what would the point of keeping the journal be if I started to edit it.)
I used to be so good at getting my emotions "out" or "down" - on paper. After his first affair it helped me work through things tremendously. I wrote it all out in a notebook. The pain, the pure anger and immense rage... the heartbreak. This time I just feel so numb. But I feel like all the pain and rage is there I just can't get it out. Frankly, what's the point - right? It would not be anything I have not written before...
I feel like all those emotions are trapped much deeper inside me this time - festering instead of boiling to the surface. I have this extreme need to "keep it together" for my children... so I have put on this face that everything is ok. But I'm not ok. I just feel like I am having to deal with it all so much more alone than the first time. Some people are not as sympathetic because I was told he would do it again... but I put myself in the position to be hurt again anyway. I can't even talk to his mother this time - though I made sure she knew... nothing has been said after that so I am sure she just does not want to even deal with it. I can't even mention it to my mother - it would probably just make her day. I can't just sit down and have a good cry when I am home alone... because I am never alone... and I won't let my children see me cry, at least not like that.
Well... I was trying to open up... but now my daughter is fussing so I have to go. The poor baby CAUGHT chicken pox FROM the vaccine. My nerves are so shot.
02.07.2004
11:46 a.m.
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