Some thoughts.

I keep meaning to write... but when I sit down in front of the computer I either instantly have my mind jumble everything together so I could not possibly get it out in a way that makes any sense, or one of my precious babies needs me.

My sweet little girl got chicken pox from her vaccine. I felt so bad... she was miserable. Thankfully she is back to her cheerful self again these days.

My very best friend was here to visit me the end of last week. She lives in Virginia, and I live in New York, so we don't get to do that very often. She is such a sweet person. Just the weekend prior to her coming up here... she was supposed to go with her boyfriend to meet his mother. That morning, he did not show up. Of course, she panicked about his safety...

She had fallen very hard for this guy... she has been burned really badly in the past and he just seemed so "real" so "true"... she did not hear from him until Sunday evening. The reason he did not show up? He had fucked around on her the night before. I just don't understand. She was devastated, and at first thought she may give him another chance... but by the time she got back to Virginia, she had realized she could not take constantly wondering if he was being truthful. And that night she called me, absolutely sobbing. What could I say? I felt terrible for her... but I was at a loss for words. I knew how she felt. Her tears were emotions I have not even let myself cry, for me, yet this time. I could feel her heart breaking and I wished I was there beside her to just let her cry on my shoulder, not against a cold phone. By the time we hung up, I had tears streaming down my face as well... though hopefully she didn't notice on the other end of the phone. She says she is getting better now... and I hope she is.

I still really don't know how I am doing. Frankly I think I am doing an "ok" job of just trying to not even deal with most of it. I want to ignore the pain, the hurt and the anger. Just push it to a dark corner somewhere and move on.

My husband is truly doing and saying all the right things this time. It seems totally different than the first time. I see so much potential for us.... but I am just so terrified to let go - to risk trusting him again, and feeling this pain, again.

We are going to make the most of this Valentine's Day, and that means a lot to me. He took the day off of work tomorrow, and gave me a trip to a spa. Hopefully we will follow that up with a nice relaxing dinner out sometime during the weekend.

I just hate the ups and downs I have been having. And I *HATE* that I still don't trust him... even though he is currently doing and saying everything right. He says he understands my reservations... I just want us to hold onto the closeness we seem to have with one another right now. If we can keep this, we really can make it.

02.12.2004
4:02 p.m.