I am so tired. So, very tired. I built that wall - to watch it unexpectedly crumble down. To begin to rebuild it last night. It was such a simple thing... really... it was. Yet last night. I found myself crying myself to sleep yet again. I am so tired. I wonder if it is just his fucked up version of entertainment? Let's see how much we can twist her head in circles before she finally breaks?
I didn't do anything terrible to deserve this. I really didn't. Yet - here I am. The only certainty about my future is it's sheer uncertainty. And the one thing I have always craved... it security. It seems to be the one thing in my life that is always so, totally fleeting.
He told me to make lists. One of the things I should and can change. One of the things he should, and one of the things we should. He asked me for this earlier in the week... when he was being so caring and sweet. He told me to take my time. I started it yesterday... and I sent him what I had so far. And he took one look, and said "that's it?" "You missed so much..."
I just felt my heart crumble. Is that what this is? A game of lists? Do this, I'll do that - you take over this, and I will behave..? (Don't forget the hand slap if you are bad now...........) I mean really - let's CUT THE SHIT - either he wants to MAKE THIS WORK... or he doesn't. It is really that simple. It REALLY is. He acts like he is in such emotional turmoil over this... but he certainly doesn't show it. He sleeps soundly at night.... I am the one paying the price... in everything.
I just want him to get his head screwed on straight. I need it. How can he think any of this is right? I just want him back (with his sanity.) - I can't take these head games anymore. My heart hurts... it just plain hurts.
"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence.... Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be." - Robert Fulghum (It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It)
My 'husband' always seems to think - if he bails out - everything will get better. (The grass is always greener on the other side... etc.) All I want him to do is stick with it, for once - and REALLY put the effort in... (without the idea that he can always just find 'another woman' easily enough...) without that 'back up plan' on the back burner. I think I deserve that. I know my children do. I just need him to figure it out already.
Posted Date: : Aug 3, 2007 1:57 PM