The past two days have been a crazily emotional roller coaster for me. Yesterday... well... yesterday started at 12:00 am Saturday morning... truly. You see - before I went to Peru, I got a new phone. And it has a really nice calendar feature... which right away I programmed all the days or the year in that I new were special. I had forgotten that last night. Until it beeped - to remind me of my 9 year wedding anniversary. (August 4th.)
It was just a crappy start to the day. And I had not even gone to sleep yet. The following morning (Saturday, still my anniversary) I just wanted to cry. My 'husband' did not acknowledge what the day was supposed to be ONCE.... and I was truly hating him for it.
I even had a party at a friends house to go to last night... and when I got home - all I wanted to do was be with him. Instead, I went upstairs and cried.
Today - has been mostly a completely different day. We took the kids to mini golf. It was very emotionally challenging. I wanted to hold his hand. Tease him... BE his wife. I felt happy with him. And I wanted him to know it. I just wish I could read his mind. Even though our son was being a COMPLETE holy terror through out the day.. I just wanted to be close to him.
We felt like a family today. I wish he would tell me how HE felt. Was he happier doing it as 'partners' than as my husband?
I just feel so lost and confused. I want him to come to his senses already.
Is he truly just waiting until my step-daughter leaves on Saturday - so he can leave too? (Once he leaves, it's over. Because that proves to me his priorities are NOT here where he claims they are.......) What if this is all a lie, and he is just biding his time until then? I just hope by then he has FIXED his head... and made the right choice - to keep his family together.
Today I just want to be close to him. I want to touch him... hold his hand... lay against him. Doesn't he feel any of that for me!?
He is in there making his special spaghetti for us now... I wish it had actual meaning - that it truly was special - I just don't know WHERE his head is at. I miss him... so much.
Just so very much...
Posted Date: : Aug 5, 2007 4:33 PM