Saturday, September 8, 2012

Iron and glass

I sound calm? Seriously? If anything, that's good. I figure it's because in that entry I was talking about the one calm influence on my life right now... my sweet babies and my husband. As false friendships have crumbled, evictions linger in the very near future, and uncertainty abounds... they are my one constant. Because of them, I can hold myself together.
In the past, distant, and probably not so distant - I have been given a label of this iron clad super bitch with little to no emotion, spewing jagged edges of ice at anyone in my way - that lets nothing "get" to me. And that is a facade I can turn on. And I can do it quite well. But on the inside, I feel like brittle glass... so easy to break.
Right now, that glass is sitting on the edge of a table, below it a very hard, marble floor.
I do know everything will be just fine. We will get out of this place, leaving behind all of it's baggage and nonsense. Holding on only to our good memories... I know one thing, this time has brought my family much closer. And we needed it. And when I hold onto that... I am very strong.
I am just so worried about getting from the proverbial here, to there. We have not heard from our tenants, and this includes any rent for the month. So... we are really being hung out to dry. Tomorrow our landlord will deliver our eviction notice to us. I am just not ready for that yet. Worst case scenario, we end up heading to NY, with no where to really go... because our tenants are still at my house, without paying rent. I don't even care if they don't pay rent for the month at this point, as long as they leave it in good condition and are GONE by the end of the month. But I can't count on that. So... we just are really in a bad situation. If it comes down to it, several friends have offered us a place to stay until our tenants leave... but there are just so many things that could go wrong with that. It's like it would be taking the biggest leap of faith we have ever taken, with so very much at stake.
I am just longing for some security. Some calm moments. And I can see it... sitting there, just out of my reach.
My outlook really is good. I just am so frustrated by so much... it feels overwhelming so often. I have this tightness in my chest for nearly a week now... like if it is not one thing, it's another. And no one is going to cut us a break.

12:36 p.m.

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