It never ceases to amaze me... every curve ball I am thrown.
Today is much better than yesterday, with the "on the surface stress" anyway...
And, I left off with yesterday's entry just so mad, at my brother, and family in general. And moments like that make me so sad. They just pull at my heart.
I feel bad, guilty having a desire to NOT be like my family. But it's true. And I know I am not like that... I really do. I just hate being so down about it. For instance, today, my hip was hurting worse than it has been lately. No real reason... it just is. But I still got off my ass and rode my exercise bike as hard as I could for 20 minutes while the kids napped. I still run along behind them cleaning up the mess (for them to redo... they are almost 2 & almost 3, what do I expect?) - I still made their lunch, I will still cook dinner, do the dishes... tomorrow no matter how much I hurt, I will scrub the house from top to bottom, and do all the laundry - because that is what I do on Friday's. I don't really know if this is making my point though...
So, yesterday I had a talk with my brother. I told him some of my concerns, mentioned the slacking and such... knowing it would get back to my mother... hopefully in a way that would not lead to a direct confrontation for me with her (so far so good) and - I just really thought I made headway. I told him, because I am using TWO packs of meat per dinner these days to feed them too, that I was going to run out a day, maybe 2 before my husband gets paid next Wednesday (I can deal, I have back up plans, BUT, it's the principal of the matter) and told him to check with the neighbor, who he thought he was going to work with "all week" this week about work, because I know my mother would not get paid until next Friday at the earliest (and that's a pay daily thing for him) that way he would be able to contribute a little bit at least... (I am not asking him for his entire day's pay... just 2 friggin packs of chicken...) and he was so nice about it and seemed to completely understand. He even expressed to me that HE was having some of the same frustrations with my mother that I had been.
So, last night he caught the neighbor outside, and arranged to work today... bright and early, at 7am.
This morning, at about 6:30 (I was still in bed by some miracle, my husband was up getting ready for work) I heard someone come up the stairs, and thought "good, Matt is getting over there on time..."
A little while later as my husband came into the room to let me know he was leaving for work, I found out it was not my brother at all who had come up the stairs. It was my mother. Apparently my brother had HER take some note over and put it on the neighbors truck, that his "chest" hurt, so he could not work today.
Huh?
Ok... now, (not to demean anyone with a REAL medical condition who has to look out for chest pains) but just give me a damn break already??? His "chest" hurts? I have seen him have moments like this before. Just like my mother. You know... something hurts too bad to work. It's like they both don't care. Like they both don't realize this is truly FOR REAL. This is not some keep fucking up and have someone else come along and make it all better over and over again scenario.
My mother... she was home all day today too. But yesterday when she got home she said that this afternoon the office was "closed." That no one would be there, so there was no reason for her to go in. Do I believe her? I honestly don't know. Like I said... the "get out of work any and every way I can and keep leaching off Lisa when I have a perfectly good opportunity to get my ass in gear" card runs out soon... Monday to be exact. You know, I want to keep my weekend with my step-daughter here (this weekend) as stress free as possible. That's not so bad, right? We even plan on going back to Avalon to show it to her... (this time no stroller... and I will get stairs pictures...)
I have so much coming up that I am looking forward to. I am not going to tolerate any unneeded crap like this any longer. My baby girl will be three in just a few weeks. There are several things in the area I want to get involved in, that do sort of hinge on my having my mother around to baby sit... (can that statement be any more elusive? Probably not... those sorts of updates can be found here though... and if all goes well, deeper into the fall I may have to reference that diary here every so often so everyone is not totally lost on what I am talking about...) But if my mother is not around to baby sit my angels... I will deal. I will only go to the things my husband can make time for me to go to... I will figure it out. And then there are the holiday's, and my baby boy's second birthday. I am not going to let her drag me down. For any of it.
It was a fear of mine, in bringing her up here. That she would just try everything to "hang out" with me all day... and come Monday, if I still have that impression... I will have no choice but to make it plainly clear... it does NOT work that way.
Well... that's all I have to say for now.. I sure hope she does not disappoint me.
08.25.2005
3:52 p.m.
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