I just feel like I have so much swirling around in my head right now I don't even know where to start. It has to be the pregnancy hormones. One moment I am ready to cry for virtually no reason at all... and the next I am mad... why? The reason for that escapes me too.
Geez, I'm a mess. This morning my husband told me I was being so negative, and I started paying attention to everything I was saying from that point on, and I WAS. And I just wanted to cry! I would rather be hanging my head over the toilet with all day "morning" sickness like I did with my last pregnancy than become the super bitch I think I have been the past few days! Speaking of that, I have not been nearly as queasy this time around... so I can be happy about that, right?
I am really trying to make an effort today to stop thinking about the past. Because the past (at least the part I am so preoccupied with) HURTS. And it hurts so bad I can barely stand it. That is probably what has been dragging me down, and made my mood so crappy. I have to look forward, because, right now everything is ok. Of course my mind spins thinking "what if he is doing more than just visiting clients today" and "what if *she* shows up at his show Friday when I am not there..." But I am making myself TOTALLY CRAZY. I never knew I could be so obsessive. I am so worried about getting hurt again it is like it is all consuming.
So, until just recently I had for the most part moved on. Now my new task, is moving on - pregnant. In the same "situation" I was in last year. I am not sure how to go about it, but I am sure I will figure it out. I am trying to tell myself the "situation" is different this time. HE is different.
04.01.2003
12:58 p.m.
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