Last night...

Last night I had a little bit of a ruff time. I was laying in bed with the baby beside me... she is so adorable. I was telling her how special she is to me, and how I would give her the moon and the stars if I could... and I started to feel lonely. My husband was in the other room watching TV, and he should have been there for that moment. But that is not why I was feeling lonely. I am dreading Friday.

Last year, I was pregnant, and he had all these rehearsals and shows, and all these things that did not include me - and many of them could have, but then that would have kept him away from his whore more often... and he would not have allowed that... and I was so lonely. I had no one. Only my daughter growing inside me, and the one person who was supposed to be there for me the most then, when I needed him most, was no where to be found. It hurts so much to think about. But last night, I was feeling it... because on Friday, he is playing a show, and now, I can't go. And I fear it will feel just like it did last year, only this time, my daughter is in my arms, and now, a new child is in my tummy. I am terrified of that. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. He has played one other show this year that I did not go to, at the same place he is playing on Friday, and the same place that bitch saw him play, at least twice... (and he fucked her afterwards...) but that time I had a friend in from out of town... so I at least had to put a (fake) smile on my face, and deal with it. But now, Friday will feel just like last year. And I am afraid to tell him my thoughts on it... I don't really know why. I don't want him to be pulled down by it, or to get nasty about it (which he can do sometimes, and treats my like I am crazy for thinking that way, which just hurts me more..)

I don't know. I know that the coming months are going to be very hard. I can feel it. I just hope that once this baby is born, everything will still be ok, and then, when we do decide to have a third child together, I will have this pregnancy to look back at and think "see, he DID do it right THAT time" and my mind won't be going as crazy as it is now.

All of this may make me sound unhappy... that is the farthest from the truth. I am happy now... I am just cautious. I'm still afraid to get to comfortable, I am worried the world is still going to come crashing down. But I am happy. I am just also hurting...

03.31.2003
1:03 p.m.