Just some thoughts...

I think in the past two days he has asked me how am I feeling more than he asked combined in the last 6 months of my pregnancy last year. It makes me feel so good... like this time really will be different. I'm just worried. And I don't want to drag myself down with worry, or drag him down with my worry... or make him think I am dwelling on the past, because I'm not. But I will say it has been in the forefront of so many of my thoughts recently.

Last night he was on the phone to his friend, who is coming here tonight to rehearse their music... and he told him, and he said "I have a chance to do it right this time..." I hope he meant that. It's like part of my mind still puts a second meaning to everything. I hate that. I worry maybe he was just saying that because I was sitting right beside him, and maybe he was just saying it for my "benefit." Everything he does and says feels so genuine... I just have to relax and accept that it IS genuine.

It's like scene's from last year, numerous ones - are on a continual loop in my head. I should have known quicker, I should have called him on it. I should not have been so damn trusting. God, I was so lonely, and I would not say anything. I was afraid of the truth. And now, I guess as a self protective measure, the exact moment I knew (months before I "caught him") replays over and over in my head. And I think of how I SHOULD have reacted. I SHOULD have demanded to read that email, demanded to know what he was hiding, but I didn't. I went to bed, and cried myself to sleep, like I did SO MANY nights last year. It hurts so much to think about. And yet, it is on constant "rerun" in my head. That, and several other incidents. I want to let go. I want to move on... but what if I do, and he does it again? If I move on, and let go, will I be so naive and stupid again to let myself get so hurt by him once more? Will I identify what he is doing to me quicker? I SHOULD not even think like that. I SHOULD take him at his word... he says he is true to me now... he says he misses me, he says he is making things right.

I HAVE to relax and believe him. I'm so scared of hurting like that again. I love him more than any words I type could describe, I just have to relax and know he feels the same way for me.

03.25.2003
12:38 p.m.