Lies, deceit, untruths... Second-Love is right, we all do tell some form of them at one time or another. (I did not link her diary as it is locked.)
What makes a lie bad? What makes the spyware I put on this computer behind my husband's back an "ok" lie, as opposed to all the lies he told me regarding his affairs. That was her question... so I will give my form of an answer.
My lie was told to protect myself... and my family. So I could know he was being truthful, I mean, after all... shit on me once, shame on you, shit on me twice, shame on me. I have been shit on twice. I will not be "shit" on a third time. As you all know, within a week I told him about the spyware... I didn't want to, but I did... because we had computer problems and it's "stealth" mode was compromised.
But he understood. There is a difference in telling a lie to protect yourself, your family, from actual HARM... be it physical, or emotional, than merely telling a lie to cover up a choice you have made. A choice you knew was wrong when you made it.
Somebody correct me if I am wrong.
Anyway... this has become, as of the past two years, a very ruff time of year for me. It should be a great time. My birthday is Sunday... and life is good right now. And for the most part, I am very happy these days.
But it's there... lingering in the shadows of my mind. I wish I could just close it out... lock it in a box and throw it into the ocean. But it's there. Thinking about it all I get a lump in the back of my throat.
Why can't I linger on about the first birthday of mine I had with my husband... before we were even married. We were in NY, and being that my birthday is the 4th of July, I always get a neat fireworks display for it. Well... he surprised me by taking me for a 5 course dinner on one of the World Yachts into the harbor... and we watched the fireworks from the boat in front of the statue of liberty. It was drizzling a bit.. but it was still wonderful...
No... thats not what I think of when I think of my birthday now. I think of two years ago... he gave me a spa trip... and I know that by having my little brother around with him while I was gone for the day (because I already had obvious clues something was up) I am sure I spoiled his wonderful plans with "her." (Hence the email she sent him I mentioned in my last entry.) And I was pregnant. 7 months pregnant. It was supposed to be a marvelous time in my life... my first baby... my husband was supposed to be there for me... always. It was supposed to be a special time... for both of us.
Instead he had a whore he was fucking on the side at every chance... proclaiming his love to her... telling her how much she meant to him and how little I meant. Thats where I have to fight so very hard to keep my mind from wandering.
Overall I think I am doing good. Really good. (Just have a few moments here or there.)
Anyway... I am looking forward to this weekend... it should be really good. We might even get a couch so we can get rid of our horrible futon that I have decided I absolutely HATE!! That would be awesome!!
If I don't update... everyone have a great & safe weekend!