Friday, September 7, 2012

Longing for a calm moment...

I was so wound up all week. My little guy had a fever, and was just super cranky, and my little girl is testing me at every chance she gets - and I look forward to the weekend and having my husband around to help me to unwind from all that so very much.

This weekend so far just isn't "unwinding" me at all. Not that I'm not getting help, I am - lots of it, and we even had one of those wonderful quiet moments together yesterday again. And it has almost become a weekly thing now that one day on the weekend my husband will take the kids out in the stroller and go over to the school yard and let them play... while he lets me sleep in. Every other weekend it has helped so much, but today I still feel nearly as tense as when I went to bed last night. And I feel like I slept horribly... my back hurts, my hip hurts, and my new found issue, my right knee is driving me crazy.

That brings me to my next stressful issue. I used to pride myself about never complaining, even when I hurt... these days I find so often I am muttering an "ouch" or complaining in some form about my hip hurting or my knee hurting... and WHY the HELL *IS* my knee hurting?? I suppose I should go to the doctor and see what is wrong, but we won't even have health insurance until November... I think. Meanwhile life goes on... it just goes on with me dreading every time I have to go from a sitting to standing position or vise versa - and forget the stairs. And over all I am healthy... so why so much unfreakinbearable pain? I wish I knew.

Next issue: I *need* to lose weight. My problem: I know what I need to do, the exercise I truly simply can't seem to make time for, and the soda and chocolate - I can't seem to avoid. I need to set strict rules for myself or something and just follow them... for instance I even considered looking into the south be@ch diet (no google's for that one sorry) which would be TWO weeks of no carbs. Just 2 weeks of no chocolate and no soda... I can do that easily... oh, wait a minute here - my sweet baby girl is turning 2 on Friday... and NOTHING is going to stop me from sharing her cake with her. And then there is the simple idea of things that have worked in the past... my 1998 new years resolution was to not drink coke for one year... I let myself have sprite.. but NO coke, because it was my weakness - and in 1998 in August when I was married, in that picture I am so damn skinny... wanna see? Probably not... but I was. (And if enough of ya wanna see.. maybe I'll even post it) But I think to myself I did it once, I CAN do it again - then there is the I don't WANT to give up soda for a year.

All these fights and battles I am having with myself. Sitting here reading it as I write it, it all sounds so petty. But it is wearing on me. There is more... and I could continue to list away at it... but then I get to sounding LIKE a list and I hate that...

I used to be so soft spoken. I never raised my voice. Now it's good that some of that has faded... but then some of it - recently my daughter has been pushing me to my limit daily. And I know it is her age... but I NEVER used to yell (at the dogs sure... her, never) but it has become way to common - and I HATE yelling. "Jilly, no, put the dog food down......... Jillian, NO - LEAVE the dog food alone........... JILLIAN HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY NO...." etc. and so on. I hate it - and I KNOW she knows what no means (ha! you think I used the word know/no enough there) but she just choses to totally ignore me when I tell her no. Hence the yelling... which gets some response. But not enough of one to make her STOP.

Anyway, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. I just worry if I have gotten no rest from the nutty week this weekend, what the hell will the coming week be like? (And it HAS to be a good week, at least Friday - it's my baby girls second birthday!)


2:02 p.m.

No comments:

Post a Comment