Looking ahead.

I know I have not been writing much recently. I just feel like there is not much I can say these days that I have not already said. I want to write. I want to work through my issues, but I think I am just sort of stuck.

My life seems to be heading to a good place right now. I have two beautiful children, a house, and a loving husband... these days. I just can't relax with any of it yet. A month ago I was trying to figure out how I could "do it all" by myself. And now he is saying all the right things, and doing all the right things... but that does not make me less afraid to trust it.

Of course I worry is he just doing it to get me to relax again? But I even feel terrible letting thoughts like that run through my head at all. I am just needing so much reassurance, and I hate that.

As for everything else... my sweet baby girl has had an ear infection the past few days, so she has been absolutely miserable. Thankfully it seems she is FINALLY getting better today. And my little guy is just precious. He let out his first real giggle last night... just from me tickling his nose. He has been "ahh-gooo"ing for weeks now, but he finally really giggled! My children just amaze me. I am so incredibly thankful for them... they give me all the reasons I need to find the strength to get through everything.

I love my husband so much. I love my life. I am just terrified of allowing any more of it to be a lie. I have to find the fine line between learning how to trust him again, and being too damn naive.

I am just rambling now. Anyway. he goes to Rhode Island tomorrow (only for the day - nothing over night) for a job interview. (The job would be here on the island though.) And then Wednesday he has another interview... we expect a nice offer from one or the other of these places... think good thoughts for us.

02.23.2004
7:15 p.m.