Monday, September 10, 2012

Lost time and blurry days.

Something has just overwhelmed me this morning... and I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it was... so I could control it. I hate this out of control feeling I have had so often recently.
Could it be the complete lack of sleep I got last night? I mean, I went to bed somewhere after 11pm... but I tossed and turned for another 2 hours after that, at least. Then my baby girl woke up at 5:30 this morning, so I did not get back to sleep well after that.
I'm just upset. I feel like I am unloading on my husband at moments when I really should not. I know he is trying as hard as he can to balance so much right now. But I guess... I am too. Maybe more than I realized.
This morning he was set to go get my step-daughter. (She will be here for the next 2 weeks, and I am looking forward to it very much.) And somehow, I just totally lost my cool. My daughter was acting up, which I have realized now she does more on the weekends, when my husband is around, and now, he was leaving again. And he was not just running upstate to get my step-daughter, he was also making a few stops, AND going to see his mom, AND eat lunch with her. So, really it's just a few hours short of yet another damn work day.
And I didn't even want him to know how much it was bugging me - because I know he is dealing with enough right now. But somehow I just could not keep it together. And then of course he (unintentionally) makes me feel even worse, like I am some sort of horrible person for keeping him from his mother when she needs him so much right now, listing off all her problems. And I know this. And I was not trying to do that. I just wish there were more hours in the day... because right now his kids need
him too. It's not like it is some sort of competition. And I know it will all calm down within a month or so. I just feel so torn now. And it's really making me crazy. I want a weekend - a full weekend with my husband. Not just for me, but for the kids. He didn't get home last night until after my baby boy was in bed... and I tried so hard to keep him up - but he was just falling asleep in my arms. And it broke my heart, because he wants to see his "Dadeeeee" (as my little guy calls him) SO much.
But then this morning *I* became the horrible person because I was "throwing guilt" at my husband. And I didn't mean to. I intended on just sucking it up and rolling with the punches because I know it won't last forever. But then I have a weak moment... and I let it out, because I do need to let it out - but my timing sucks and as he pulled out of the driveway, I just cried. And cried. And then he pulled back into the driveway like he forgot something... throwing me into a near panic, because that was all I wanted... as if I had not just made him feel bad enough with the guilt crap, was for him to walk back in with me in tears... but thankfully whatever he was doing he didn't come back into the house.
I just want a calm, quiet weekend. But none of those are in sight for a few weeks... and I wonder, will I last? Or fall into some total emotional meltdown. I feel like I am on the verge already... but I really don't see that I have reason to be. Everything will calm down. I know this. Maybe I just have to remind myself of it a few times.
I was going to make some big elaborate baked ziti dinner tonight... but I think I will push that off to tomorrow... or since tomorrow we are all loading into the car and going to my husband's moms house push it to a weekday.. but then it loses some of it's "luster" - but wait, tomorrow I needed to do all the damn grocery shopping for us for the next 2 weeks because I can't do it today because my husband will be gone almost all day... and then tomorrow I still won't get to see much of just HIM, or just HIM with the kids... and I don't want to do the shopping on a week night because it takes so long, and by the time he finally gets home it's so late anyway.. so when can I fit all this in? I just feel like everything is in too many pieces.
I am missing the time with my family as a "unit."
I know it's only temporary - but it is just starting to wear on me.
And now I just feel like deleting everything I just put so much energy into typing, because I just spent a long time on the phone with my husband saying it all over again...

He called to tell me his ex-wife was running late (again) dropping off my step-daughter - (great, more time sheared off our day) and he could tell something was wrong just by the way I answered the phone. Sometimes he can be so observant of me... and though I don't want to bug him with all my emotional baggage at the moment, it does mean a lot that something as simple as my voice can clue him into a problem. And he kept asking me what was wrong, so I went into it. I was so worried about just giving him more stress... but in the end he seemed thankful and moved that I let it all out to him. - Not that I was "keeping" anything from him... just that I did not want to stress him out when I thought I could avoid it.
He really did make me feel better about everything. Reiterated what I already know, that all our time constraints are just temporary - and that everything WILL calm down soon. I just wish I could add more hours into the day...
I really do.
Now on top of tired and over emotional, I just feel completely drained.
He promised a nice relaxing dinner at one of my favorite places... hopefully everything will turn out well. And maybe I will take everyone with me grocery shopping tomorrow... and maybe I will take everyone with me on a hunt for a nice Barnes and Noble with a coffee shop (Starbucks!!) in it tomorrow too - that's always been a nice relaxing thing for me to do, and I have not gotten to go since we have been home. (He suggested I go alone - but I really want to be with my family right now.)
I just need something - but I really don't exactly know what. And I don't like that feeling.
It's amazing how observant my sweet kids can be. They just both walked up and gave me the sweetest in unison hug. My daughter even said "awwwww" as they did it. That makes me smile... all the way down to the depths of my soul.

12:20 p.m.

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