Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Lots and lots of rambling.

I wrote this earlier... but just now got the chance to post it... life is just so hectic these days. (Ohh, and see - I updated my template the other day too, with new spring pictures!)
I feel like since getting home from Virginia, everything has been moving way too fast. I feel like I have not had any real quality time with my babies - because I have spent nearly every second yelling at them. You see, my little Mr. Houdini broke the baby gate I had running between the living room and the kitchen. So, now they have had basically unstoppable access to the kitchen, and everything in it. I have some of the cabinets secured with baby locks, but, as with everything else in my house, there is some odd thing with the configuration of the drawers, and no respectable child proof latch will hook onto them. So.. enter the yelling and threats and such of Mommy-hood.

I once knew someone who constantly screamed at their children. Screamed and screamed, and I have always said that will N-E-V-E-R be me. So, the past week has just been pure, unfiltered stress for me. I do not want to get another gate, they have reached an age I SHOULD be able to tell them no and have them listen.

I am down for other reasons too... our money. We are doing ok... but my husband keeps telling me he is getting "something" tomorrow... then tomorrow he says he is getting something "definitely tomorrow" - then definitely tomorrow gets here and it is maybe tomorrow, but certainly the next day. We are on the next day. This morning he was SURE, one way or another he is getting paid something today. When I talked to him on the phone a little while ago, he said he was "working on it" - that is a far cry from the certainty he had earlier. He is so proud of the position he is in now... and we knew it would take time to get things rolling... but I just feel like I am at my wits end, in a thousand different ways.

There are SO MANY things I want us to do this summer. There are so many things *I* want to do this summer. We got the final estimate to re-do our backyard. We want the above ground pool removed, and an inground one put in, and there is a lot of concrete work that needs to be done, and our entire back fence needs to be repaired. And I want this DONE. The faster it is done, the faster I can get my babies outside to play much, much more than I can now. Maybe I am just overly obsessive - but being right by a school has it's perks, and it's disadvantages. The kids drive way, WAY too fast down my street. So I want my munchkins to be able to go into the backyard with me to play. Right now the entire thing is a disaster.

I want us to go on a vacation together, the 4 of us, maybe a cruise, I looked into the Disney cruise things the other day. I think we could all have a blast. And then we can always fall back on my husband's idea, for just he and I to escape for a little while too. But I want some nice away from the rest of the world time with my babies too.

And there are several of my "odd" (by some peoples standards) metaphysical things I want to do this summer too.. most importantly the two year Shamanism study begins in July... and I want to go back to the Grove... and I just feel so, so stressed. I have all these money worries hanging over us, and my babies, my adorable babies have been stressing me beyond my limit this week. It makes me feel guilty - but they have.

And I feel so tired. And my hip has been giving me fits since I got home. And I feel questioned to death - all I hear is noise. Just noise. And all the things I *have* to do. Yet I say I am hurting, and I get looks like I have just grown a second head.

I stopped drinking soda - totally and completely. If anyone truly knows me - then you know what a huge feat this is. I drank coke, and more coke, and coke. And that was IT. NOT diet coke.. just coke. Morning, noon and night. And I stopped... a couple of weeks ago. And I have been drinking barely sweetened tea, and water. And I am eating much, much better. And I am doing Yoga. And I am exhausted. And I am hurting. And the damn scale has not gone down at ALL. I THOUGHT it had gone down 2 lbs... but that must have just been a fluke. I am working out at least twice a week when I go to the gym to do Yoga too, on the makemefeellikeIamkillingmyself "strenuous" elliptical machine. So... what gives? What the hell is wrong with me that I am not losing weight? (I think back to when I had my thyroid checked, and wonder...) I just don't know. Maybe I am still not trying hard enough.

I have been having some moments recently, where I was feeling really, really down too. It makes me wonder if I should just get off the Paxil again, because it must not be working for me to be feeling this way. Then I just tell myself it is all the stress, and the physical pain I am in. I want to be out of pain. But I just feel like this is it. This is how I am going to feel. And I really hate it. Ok, this has become a ramble... and I am not trying to throw a pity party at all... I just have had a lot on my mind... even more than all this, but this is what I can force out at the moment. The kids are sleeping... soon it will be back to the yelling and pulling them out of the kitchen. It stresses me out so, so much.

6:13 p.m.

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