Mind Vomit

I feel exhausted. Tired of worrying. Tired of obsessing over the things I clearly can't control anyway. Is it so bad to want stability? To want to hear good things come from everyone's mouth? To crave a day when I don't grind and clench my teeth together more than I smile?

Apparently it is... it all feels so far away. But then, it feels like it COULD be so close too. I just feel like I am losing my mind. My husband got a small amount on money Friday. Not enough to pay any of our mounting bills... but it did put some food on the table. I even took the liberty of (and I probably should not have, thinking back on recent weeks financial track record) using a little of it, and took my mother and my baby girl to a semi-local Beltane in the Park thing. And we had a lot of fun. But, as with all things these days... we are now trapped waiting and waiting on money again. My husband knew he would be getting money Monday - then it had to wait for today, with a normal sounding reason. Now it will be tomorrow. I am sure when he gets home later, he will downgrade that too, to "maybe" tomorrow. I was also finally beginning to think that just maybe one of these "big" deals he has been talking about was going to close this week too... he has been talking about it for weeks. This morning he got a call that made it sound like there were issues. He said it was no big deal. When I asked him a little while ago though if it would still close this week.. he said he is "trying."

I think I want to scream. I am trying to keep my grip. I am trying to have faith in this venture we have taken. But I am coming to the end of my rope. Of course... what other options do I have? I am trying desperately to find ways to add a second income to the household that does not take me away from my children, and leave them in the hands of my mother for any extended period of time. Meanwhile my husband complains to me that I am "overwhelming" him by sending him 3 questions in one text message to his phone. Well, excuse the hell out of me - that was just 3 of my 20 or so... that second.

Part of me wants to know every aspect of what he is trying to do - force myself into the role of his secretary so at least I would understand why HE is being so understanding with our situation. Part of me just wants to close my eyes... and have faith. (Faith: as in: the belief in something you know damn well is not true.) But right now we can't afford to lose our second vehicle. We need to pay our mortgage. Here he is having me look at houses online - part of me is screaming - what the HELL for? Where is this miracle money going to come from? I had been almost happy just with our grand plans to remodel the house we have now... but he has been talking and talking about simply getting a better house - and when he explains it, it all sounds so possible. And then in a moment like now, I have a reality check. Or maybe it is just negativity creeping in where it doesn't belong. How do I know the difference?

He told me earlier "everything is undetermined" - for how much longer? Everything, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G has been undetermined for so long now... weeks ago I was hearing the big break was coming....

I need my mind quiet. If only for a little while. Today is one of the days I adore. It is completely cloudy, there is a strong breeze blowing, and a rather intense chill in the air. It is probably one of the last crisp air days of the season. I want nothing more than to have 20 minutes to sit, alone in my yard... but I can't. My mind will not stand still. If it is not the stress of our money, it is everything else. My children's behavior. My mother... my mother announced to me earlier she needs me to bring her somewhere tomorrow night. Tomorrow night which I had made plans for (which I may have to cancel if we have no money anyway...) but I have no gas to get her there - and she says she will give me gas, and I can get her there as early as I need too. It is like I have no choice in the matter. I feel like everyone's beat up girl. I just get told what to do..... my mother also said to me earlier "what are WE going to do about Jillian's speech..." I wanted to jump down her throat. First off - WE?? She is MY daughter, these are decisions *I* make, any WE in the matter is between my husband and I. Second, she is doing much better recently... so I fee no urgent need, not right now when I am dealing with so much other shit. (That must be the first time I have typed shit on my laptop, it underlined it to say it isn't a word.. HA - It doesn't know me very well yet I see...)

To avoid going to the salon right now, when that is not where I want to spend my money (vacation, shamanism course, these things I want much more, oh, and diapers and food on the table too...) my mother insisted she could put the highlights into my hair. I figured it would not be that hard, she would just have to follow the lead set by the wonderful sweet Jenn at my salon. Well... it is ok. I guess. It is a bit bright though, and looks too chunky in a few spots I think. I just hope it will tone down some in a day or two. Otherwise I may find myself craving a more expensive "fix it" trip to the salon... or a do-it-myself all over color. Which would suck, because I do love my natural base color. I just wanted some highlights.

You see where this is going right? Another bad day. I guess I need to go too... I was supposed to just be running to the store, my mother is home with my baby's - I made a pit stop at Starbucks to steal just a moment alone. Not that it quieted my head any. I will actually post this later when I get home.

Keep an eye out for pictures of my babies from the park we found close to my house on Sunday - I will post them later. They had a blast!!

05.09.2006
3:33 p.m.