Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Lots of jumbled thoughts.

No matter how "unraveled" or totally stressed I may feel - there is always one thing I can do that will make me feel a thousand times better, and nearly take all my stress away, if even for only a moment.

As "nap time" for my baby girl rolled around this afternoon, instead of dutifully putting her in her crib (now placed beside my bed) as I have been for the past week and a half, I plopped her down in bed beside me and snuggled her as close to me as I could get her, and gazed into her sleepy eyes as she stared back at me, with her dreamy "mommy, I love you" look on her face, and peacefully drifted off to sleep. Nothing beats that. For a time, I forgot all my worries, and just held and snuggled my baby girl.

All day long, and last night too, I have just felt so "frazzled" - and I hate that. Now I have actually been able to gather my thoughts enough to put them to words... it's amazing to me the power some "snuggle time" with my baby girl holds.

Anyway - the dog is gone. (And doing great where he is.) Our finances are finally showing noticeable signs of improvement, and my husband's job finally seems stable - everything should be great. Yet still I feel so pressured, and stressed it's making me nuts. I know some of it will ease when the week is up, and my husband is around during the day to "entertain" my stepdaughter. I feel horrible saying that - I thought spending all this time with her over this two week period might be good... but I think I have come to the realization that I was wrong. She truly wants nothing to do with me - and really only seems to give her sister attention mostly out of obligation. I mean - it even became apparent last night in talking to her that, when her friends ask her if she has any brother's or sisters, she happily tells them all about her brother (her mother's son from her new marriage) but makes absolutely no mention of her sister. Anyway - I know life will get somewhat easier next week because my days will get back to just myself and my daughter... and though this time frame with my stepdaughter has been important, I will be happy when things are back to normal.

I am also really feeling the pressure to get the house ready for the new baby. I am just over three months away from my due date, and so far we have basically done nothing yet. We won't even start doing anything until the 30th of this month and I know it will take at least a month to get everything done - probably more like a month and a half. And we have to be finished by mid-October, before I am "too" pregnant to help with everything. I am so worried our neighbor is going to not pull out the wood burning stove on the 30th like we've arranged - EVERYTHING is hinging on that.

And to add to it all - I have been feeling very "lonely." My husband has been getting home later this week that the weeks he was going upstate - and he is not on his instant messenger at the new place, and he never calls. And I *can't* call him. They can't answer the phones there until next week, so that would be pointless - I don't even have the number yet, and he uses his cell phone way too much as it is for calls he should not even make on it, so I don't like to call that because it uses up the mins., and then he will run out even faster. Last night we barely spoke. I know a lot of that is because I was mad at him though - but his inability to call when he should shined through once more. He said he would leave the office BY 6pm, so at 7:05 pm I called him, because had he left at six, he should have been home already. (Thankfully I had not started dinner yet) But as I figured, he was STILL at the office - but he said he would be home in 30 mins... and at 8pm he strolled in the door. He could tell how upset I was - and apologized and said it would not happen again, but I have heard all that before. I guess I will have to wait and see.

I mean, I KNOW he was where he said he was - but that does not change how much it made it feel like last year. He is supposed to *want* to be home with his family, *want* to get the hell out of there and get home to us - and yet there I was... alone with my baby girl, and stepdaughter until 8pm at night.

The baby had even finally, finally started to say "da-da" yesterday... (well, she meant "da-da" though it was only sort of coming out that way!) and I was so proud of her, and how we had worked on in during the day so much to be SURE she said it to him last night... but I did not even get to see his face when she did say it to him... or hear his reaction... instead I was alone... a bit upset, and cooking dinner at the other end of the house.

I don't like to feel alone. Now here it is - 4:30pm and I have YET to hear from him today.

**Since I wrote this - (in my notebook to be transferred here) I got an email from him... saying he was going to work until 7pm yet again today... even though he got in at 8am to avoid working "as late as yesterday." I shot back a reply letting him know how I feel about it - briefly. I have to stop this now. I can't let it become the "norm" that's just insane.

So now, I will be left until at least 8pm again with my stepdaughter who would rather be with anyone in the world other than me... and my sweet baby girl who only got to see her daddy for about 2 hours last night... and apparently is destined to see him only for that long, or less tonight. I feel alone.

5:57 p.m.

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