Monday, September 10, 2012

Lots of rambling...

Well... I am frustrated with my mother still. (What's new, right?) But, after writing this... that day she came home - talking about how wonderful her day had been... and that she found out she actually had 4 loans come back, and that a person who had gotten back into the office (is only there when her kids are in school or something) was being a huge help to her... and on and on and on.
So... my first thought was... well.. now what do I do? So, I did not write, or say anything to her yet. I will play it by ear a bit longer, and see what happens when she gets paid. Maybe I just have a negative outlook... or maybe her negative outlook has rubbed off a bit too much... but I see her coming home that day saying she was "screwed over" (as always) and got ripped off and won't get paid for her loans. In which case, I will be back to square one. I can NOT keep giving and giving and giving, only to listen to her complain about how she is always screwed over, and hates her life.
Anyway... moving on...
I think I am proud of myself. I actually have a doctor appointment for ME this weekend. But at the same time, I am also completely queasy about it as well. With the exception to when I was pregnant... I don't do going to the doctor well. I have a huge problem expressing myself... and I simply tend to freeze up, and leave with pure frustration rather than help.
By now, anyone that has read this diary for a while at all has heard me bitch and moan about my hip pain. I really try to keep it to a minimum... there is only so much whining one person can do. But now.. here is my moment. I get to go to the doctor. Get some sort of treatment to make myself better. When I was pregnant, my already bad hip (it had a constant ache in it from the time I had a car accident at 15, or 16) got much worse. The doctor told me it was pregnancy induced sciatica - and sent me on my limping, "merry" way. It was at it's worst for my first pregnancy... I had a period of about a month where walking was like torture. After having my baby girl... it seemed to get better.. then I was pregnant with my son, and it got bad again.. but never as bad as it had been.
Well... this time, it never really got better. And what has increased in frequency, are the moments where I get that sharp "shock like" pain when I go to stand up... or when I have been standing and start to move. Like my hip "locks" - but it is not a bone problem... like I can feel the nerve just scream.
I am pretty confident the weight I need to lose is a factor in how much worse it has gotten... so I have been trying to work out... and working out is making the pain worse... so it is like a vicious cycle.
I don't really know what all I expect to happen on Saturday. I do intend to walk out of there with some sort of pain medication. And if the doctor wants scans, and tests to make very sure of what is causing the problem, I will happily agree to that too. In fact - I would not want the doctor to simply take my word for it... I want to know the reason for the pain just as badly.
I just have this fear. This fear of getting told "no you don't hurt enough for medication." I really don't even understand why I have that fear. Maybe because through my life I have seen so many people around me have problems with pain medication... I worry no matter who you are it is like getting interrogated to get it. Does that make sense to ANYONE?
So... that is really my main reason for my stomach knots. I also want the doctor to run blood tests... just to make sure everything is in order. My mother does have a bad thyroid... so I am guessing that is something I should watch closely as I get older. (I have recently been losing hair, like I did after having my munchkins, but this time no hormones are to blame.. and it has been spooking me... add that to how tired I can get, and my [embarrassingly] low...  sex drive that my husband hates... no matter how much he says he understands I am sure he hates it... and I think keeping tabs on my thyroid is a good thing. Maybe something else is causing it all... maybe hopefully it is nothing at all - guess I will find out.)
Well now - do I think I can bore you anymore today? Actually I really don't. If I don't update.. wish me luck at my appointment. I hate going to the doctor....

11:20 a.m.

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