Well... now I find myself in an odd position. I don't want to follow up those pictures of my sweet angels weekend with a stress filled entry... but I suppose to a point, that is what I have for you.
And it is all about my mother. And I am just dreading what is inevitably coming. And I know it is coming. I knew it was coming from before she even got here... I did, somewhere inside. But I had hoped my ability to give her another chance would be the right choice. That my optimism would pay off. But I don't think it has. And I feel guilty. Because it will end up with me having to totally spell it out for her (how she has screwed up... again) and then of course I will get this intense guilt trip - about how none of her children love her... and how she HATES her life (which she keeps saying anyway... and the next time she says it... I WILL say something.. because the simple silent lack of sympathy route I have been taking clearly isn't enough to ward off her outbursts...) And I will become the devil incarnate... and she will stomp out of the house and drive away... vowing to never speak to her ungrateful child again.
Oh... wait a minute... SHE HAS NO CAR to drive away in.
So... you see my dilemma? I am fed up. I have reached a point of fed up it is becoming apparent I will simply lose it on her - and I really would rather NOT have this play out like that. Though I know to a point it is unavoidable. Yesterday I had my day all set and planned... expecting her to leave sometime in the morning to go to work... (the job my husband got for her, that was HANDED to her on a silver freaking platter...) And just before the babies went down for their one o'clock nap... she slowly made her way upstairs. Ready to go catch the bus...
So, I put the kids down... and I was fully planning to go workout - and way too often she has derailed those attempts recently. This time I was hell bent on making sure it did not happen. And she sat there, complaining and complaining about this job that she has... that has been HANDED TO HER... and she milled around until she had SECONDS to go before there was no way she would catch the bus, and she left.
Now... what she did yesterday, probably out of everything else, was not that bad. But I have just reached that point... where everything is getting to me. (By the way, yes, I did get to work out... and maybe the built up frustration was good for me, because I pushed myself really hard... but anyway...)
I just am not quite sure what to do. I keep meaning to just write her a long letter... so I don't get her face to face "horrified, shocked" expressions when I say what needs to be said. But am I truly ready for that yet? I actually think I am... and now I just have to figure out what to say.
So, do you think I have talked in enough circles here? The bottom line is, I am very frustrated. And a bit let down. I had hoped she would really try. But SHE thinks she is. Maybe to her she is. But she will probably lose her job soon... clearly she either just lied, or was mistaken when she said she planned on getting a job "right away" at a former place she had worked that she KNEW would take her back, or at a different branch of the company she was at in TX that is here... and at this point... I expected this to be mutually beneficial. Instead, I have given and given... and I just can't keep giving, and feeling used anymore.
And I am sad... because I think she sincerely sees things as if she has been screwed over... and she will see me as "screwing her over" - and it will probably truly make HER sad... but I just can't let this continue.