I know I rarely seem to write about the "good" things in my life in this diary. I am not entirely sure why it always seems to happen that way... but I think it is because when I write, it is like a release for me. The things I most often need to "release" are the bad things. I want to hold onto the good....
But I wanted to share this....
Last night as my husband and I were watching our 11 month old son sleep... he said to me, "I miss them so much when they sleep..." and I said I know... and he said "and I feel so guilty when they cry... I just want to make it all better." And again I said I know. But I was beside myself. I don't remember him ever saying that to me. And it means more than I can even express in words to know that he does feel the same way I do about those moments. Because sometimes I look at my children, and I just feel such a surge of emotions... and knowing he does share those same feelings... we are on the same page, after all.
Not that I doubted it... but sometimes, it is so hard to remember. When he gets flustered or acts as though he is just so overwhelmed, there have been times when I have felt so alone in this... but last night, in those simple sentences, I remembered how far from alone I am.
Yesterday my husband was sitting on the couch with my daughter... and they were watching something on TV and I realized, their expressions at that moment were identical. Their mouths are shaped identically... and at that moment I saw it. And that just thrills me. My husband has the most amazing smile in the world.
I know I should probably take more time and share the good too, since I do so often share the bad... and I don't mean for it to be that way, it just sort of happens.
His constant craving for afternoon naps drives me nuts (in a bad way) but it's part of who he is, and I would not change it for anything. The same with his ability to ask 100 questions over a simple insignificant thing... or the way he over analyzes everything. His quirks make me love him even more. (I just hope our kids escape the obsessive compulsiveness.)
But he really can light up a room when he comes into it... he has such a strong, happy presence.
The very first time I saw him, I felt butterflies in my stomach. We initially met online... and so when we went to actually MEET each other, there was a bunch of us who decided to meet, we all frequented the same chat room... and though I had never seen a picture of him, I knew who he was, through a crowded room, and I got that feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I still feel those butterflies when I look at him sometimes. Just the other day, as he came down the stairs I got that feeling all over again. Nothing triggered it... nothing special happened... it was just him. Because I love him. We have been through hell together, several times.... and I am sure the rocky roads aren't over yet. But at least I know, to this point... it has all only made us stronger.
Good and bad times will come and go... but as long as I still feel those butterflies when I look at his sweet eyes, or gorgeous smile, I know everything will be just fine.
Oh, and by the way... Happy Halloween.