Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Momentum Reversal

Things are finally settling down some, and I am feeling more settled in. I am getting a routine down, and all of that fun stuff.
My sweet baby girl has a cold. I guess with the start of school, comes open germ season. So far she is doing very good. Early this week, we were told to go ahead and have her "evaluated" to see if she would benefit from a tutor, or some sort of assistance. We had told her teacher about our concerns - and that my nephew has Aspergers Syndrome... and though I had myself prepared - I think it was a true blow to my husband. What I am trying to make him understand though is.. IF - IF she does have an issue, it is no where near the scale of my nephew's - and he is functioning rather fine now... he had issues when he was younger... but he has adapted pretty well. I think he worries about her being "labeled" and teased. I am confident I can stop anything like that from happening.
I used to be so patient. I would get comments and such - telling me how "patient" I was. And somewhere in the past year - more like year and a half... my patience has become fleeting. Trying to abandon me when I needed it most. I have valued myself at being the best mother I could be... and somewhere in this time - I became everyone's everything. My mother's mother. My brother's mother. I had to be perfect at all of it. Housekeeping... mothering... holding firm, giving in... being a wife, being healthy. Staying true to myself. And in trying to perfect everything... in trying to get it all right - I got overwhelmed. And I began getting it all wrong.
I lost my patience with my children. I did not hold the leash tight enough on my mother and brother and their ability to take advantage of me. I ignored my husband's desires for me. I ignored my bodies desire for health. And in a world where control is what I needed so desperately - I had none of it.
What I am trying to say here is - I acknowledge it. Name your demon and you gain control over it. I am taking the reins and reversing the momentum. I will regain my patience. My children are the most adorable little creatures in the world. I have never lost sight of that - I just worry I have not been handling them the best way that I could. I hate yelling - and I feel like I am constantly yelling.
I want time to slow down, and to have time to just enjoy being. Enjoy my family, enjoy my life and all the good things in it.
I have to stop this mind vomit now... my husband just got home... and now I can't concentrate on writing anymore.
I have however updated my pictures!! I don't have time to put them in the entry... but just click here, and you can see all the awesome pictures of the new place! And all the things I did to the kids rooms!!

10:39 p.m.

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