Friday, September 7, 2012

My anger

"Sometimes you say you're trying to move on, but if you're still angry, how can you truly forgive him? And if you can't forgive him, there's no hope."

My anger has come a very, very long way. I could show some real anger, I could pull out that neatly stored away paper journal I kept just after his first affair, the lines on its pages smeared by tear droplets and rarely a word not akin to "fuck, whore, slut, cunt." But that would not be helpful to me in anyway - though trust me, that book exists, and I have even considered putting it in this journal in the past, simply to have it stored somewhere else, since paper can be lost, burned, damaged, etc.

That would be some real anger.

The anger I have now, stems from moments like this morning. Moments where my husband has decided that he is "mad" about the fact that I don't trust him, and have requested that he not go to this thing on Friday that will only mix him and his female coworkers and alcohol - which HE HAS SHOWN to never be a good mix. And he spouts off "yes, I'm going to fuck **, and I'm going to fuck *******, and I ALREADY fucked ***********............................." Let me tell you that was all I had to hear - and I took a darn good try at hitting him as hard as I could. (Thankfully he blocked me, but now my damn wrist hurts because it took the impact instead of my fist.)

That's where my anger flares these days. But who WOULD NOT get angry at that? But then he turns around and tries to use comments left in my diary against me, comments he has spent his time insulting.

This morning, after seeing someone say she would not be commenting any longer, and after seeing all the bullshit my husband thinks is HILARIOUS to start with his insults and bullshit, I simply said to him I am going to close the diary... it's point has been lost, and instead of taking my words to heart he instead is finding humor in it, and in the comments left.

But I don't want to do that. I am considering doing a few private entries (if your on my favorites or have me listed, feel free to email me and I will gladly provide you with the password.) Even still, I don't want to do that... but I just might.

Anyway, I have much more to say but just realized I NEED to go! I'll be back.

9:26 a.m.

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