Needs

It's so weird. The only way I can come remotely close to "de-stressing" right now... is by consuming myself with the one thing that should have me the most stressed out. Doesn't that just suck?
But hey... at least I have it to throw myself into right? (The Thanksgiving planning is what I am talking about.. as twisted as it may sound, planning the big bash at my house is my escape from everyday uberstress.)
Confused? I know I sure am.
Before I go on... I want to make it so clear here what a defeat even saying any of this is. It makes me feel like I have failed, or failed them. Or like I am doing something wrong...
My babies. My sweet, adorable babies. They are the light of my life. I would give anything to keep them happy.
Right now... they do not seem happy. They are cranky, and ornery and they are making me miserable, which in turn is making them more miserable.
I really don't know what the hell the problem is... but I am rapidly losing hair. (By pulling it out.)
I think it started last week... they were more defiant... less overall happy like normal. And now this week... I just feel like all hell has broken loose.. and I have no control. I give my daughter a second in her room, and she tears it up. Pulls the mattress off the bottom mattress, moves it all around.. (and it hurts my hip to wrestle it back on 20 times a day) - but I tell her no, and it is like she just does not pay any attention to me. That is just one small, small example.
Both of my children have taken to running around the house constantly naked.
I just feel so completely at my wits end. It is the attitude... and not listening, talking back.. things I know kids simply do - but something has accelerated it now.
I can't spank them. I even tried. I get laughed at. I can give my daughter time-outs, but then I can't keep her in the corner because my son takes advantage and runs to the computer to look at porn and download the sasser virus.
I just feel very sad about it.
I am worried it has a lot to do with my husband's hours. But I know there is nothing he can do about that. And if I switch things up, to match their former schedule - he will only see them for maybe 30 minutes each morning.
And then I will get such guilt from him. Like last night... I think he wanted me to wait with the pizza until he was home. I can not make them wait until 9:30 at night to eat their dinner. I am beginning to feel like they are seriously needing their 9:00 pm bedtime back. That is the only difference. They have been going to bed at 10:00... and they have been so cranky. And I have been so cranky - I have no time anymore. None. I have no idea how upset he would be if he had to come home to them already in bed each night... and I would feel horrible...
I have no idea when my poor husband expects sex again either. And yes.. I am stressing about it. I go to bed at 12, if I am lucky, to have his damn alarm start to go off at 6. Now, why he sets it for 6, just to hit it every 10 minutes for the next hour plus I have no clue... but it is so annoying. And I successfully got up at 5:30 to work out once last week (I think it was last week) - the other days my mother was around to still watch the munchkins while I did it.. but now that she is finally working normal hours.. that will become a 3 day a week thing...
I feel like I could just cry. I feel so sad. And a bit lonely. I just want things back the way they were before he lost that fucking job. I want to KNOW he is going to get a real paycheck - not one that could be this huge range of amounts. I need to plan for our future here.
I feel so full of needs.. but so selfish. At least he has a job right? My babies are my life... I just do not understand why they are acting out so much.
I hate feeling this way. I am supposed to be thrilled and happy at this time of year. But I just feel so damn bummed.

11.17.2005
1:42 p.m.