Nothing important.

**Before anyone reads this and forms any immediate opinion, in my husband's defense late Thursday night he was told his father is on life support... and we still CURRENTLY do not know if he is going to have to make an immediate trip to NY to help his mother cope - we honestly have no idea of a time frame for how long he may hold on or not... but needless to say it is wearing on him and I know this.

Yesterday was my baby girl's second birthday. I am at a loss for words with that... she is so special and amazing to me, and now she is TWO.

Sweet angel didn't get to open anything yesterday, we are doing that today, along with her cake and dinner and some very good, close friends of ours are going to share in it with us. I can't wait for it all... to see how she reacts, but we won't be doing much until after dinner so I have a bit to wait.

Last night, I stayed up to make sure I got everything wrapped (I could not do most of her birthday shopping until yesterday), so I was up until at least 1:30 am. Alone. I tried so hard to get my husband to stay up with me, and at least just "be" with me. But instead it was just me. Alone, and really tired, making sure my baby girl's gifts were wrapped and ready to go for today.

It's moments like that I feel he should be around - I mean is he going to expect *me* to be the *only* one ever staying up to wrap presents... for birthdays, and Christmas, and such? Because so far, it's been JUST me. And for whatever reason last night, I was so lonely. Not just alone but lonely. I was reminiscing in my mind all the GOOD times of that past 2 years, and thinking of all the good times to come... how far we have come... how amazing my baby girl is.

And inevitably as I always do in moments like that I began thinking about my father (who passed away quite a few years ago now.) But is he proud of me? Happy for me? Does he love my baby girl the way I would think he does... and of course all that just snowballed into making me an overly emotional mess.

I just feel like my husband should *be* there for those moments... the excitement of wrapping things for our baby girls birthday... thinking about her past, and her amazing future to come. Instead, I was alone... left to speak out loud to the dog... my invisible father, and anything else that may have been listening.

Now today aside from taking Jillian to the store with him for a moment, he just wants to sleep because he is "so" tired. Never mind having any understanding for *me*, that I was up later than him, and up earlier than him, and all that nonsense.

I mean I KNOW his father's health is weighing on him, but *I* would want to cheer myself up with my children, take my mind off it with my children... then again maybe that's just me.

I just fear a pattern, a pattern of feeling alone at special times...

09.18.2004
4:38 p.m.