October 3rd

Ten years ago today, my father died.
Maybe this is just me feeling sorry for myself - or who knows what, but such a large part of me wishes my mother would have called - or that my husband would have remembered just what a huge meaning today holds for me.
I know that I can't fault anyone for any of that though. Just... I want him remembered. Somehow.
Ten years ago today, I woke up at my grandmothers house on her couch, expecting my mother to not be there - of course she would still be at the hospital with my father from the night before. Just before midnight - or maybe just after... she had called me to tell me he was stable - and that she would talk to me in the morning. "But if it looks bad, you WILL call me, so I CAN come say good bye, right?" I asked... I pleaded. And she assured me she would.
So, when I awoke on the couch to find her on the floor just below me, I was puzzled, to say the least. He must have gotten better so she was able to come home was of course my first thought - the alternative just was not "possible." And I felt relieved. The relief faded fast... as soon as she realized I was awake she told me he didn't make it through the night. And I sat there - in disbelief. She told me I would get to say good bye.
And I didn't cry.
And my older brother came over, and took myself and my little brother to the zoo, while my mother, and father's mother handled "everything" that day. My older brother (technically my half brother) told me he was amazed at how we were taking it. He said when his father died (suddenly from a massive heart attack) everyone was wailing and crying, but we were so calm. My father had been very sick - so it was not unexpected. And I still didn't cry.
I look back, and realize, I should have cried. I cry for it now. I miss my father, I wish he was here for me now. But I know I just can't have that. I was being so "strong" that day, and just could not find the tears. It took so long for me to cry for my father's death. I feel like now the tears come too easily. My heart feels so heavy...
I just... I don't really know where I was going with this entry... I just wish someone would remember him. I wish someone would remember him with me.

10.03.2004
10:33 p.m.