One of those mornings.

So, this morning I was just having "one of those mornings" when I just felt like I was going to snap... or cry... or who knows what at the first person that said anything to me. And the only two people around me were my daughter, and my husband... and I could not snap, or cry to my sweet baby girl... so that only left my poor defenseless husband. Somehow though - I got through it without conflict. I am sure he noticed I was quiet - but I would rather that than to start the day off with an argument.

After all... it seems we have had a wonderful break through in our finances. He got the job yesterday! (Well... actually they are going to send him an offer letter probably Monday... so I am holding my breath for that.) But that means we will finally really, honestly have a light at the end of our tunnel of debt.

There is only one sticking point to the entire thing... and in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big a deal... nothing for him to not take the job over... that is - but a sticking point nonetheless. He has to go upstate for 3 - 5 days of software training. Now he can either make the drive daily - which mapquest.com says will take about an hour and a half (add in a little more for traffic) or he can take their offer of putting him up in a hotel for the time. Now... to him I am sure the escape of a hotel may seem really nice, and he will wonder what my problem is with it. (Not to mention yesterday his mother had to but in when he was telling her about it and that he and I had to discuss it and spout off "what it there to discuss.." - that just got under my skin.) I have several reasons it's a bad idea: For one - my car was repossessed a couple of months back. This leaves me here... alone, with no transportation and a near 10 month old. In case of emergency...? It's just not a smart idea... at all. Second - we currently have no TV. (It's been disconnected because we could not pay the bill.) Now, in general I am fine with that - I rarely watch TV during the day anyway... but now I am supposed to go 3.. if not 5 nights without one... or him? The silence will make me insane. (And... if this all does come to a head and he does plan on staying up there... he damn well better make sure it's 3 nights, and not a single one more.) And finally - (though if I really tried I could come up with a zillion more smaller reasons that it's not a good idea for him to stay up there.) His "track record" with this sort of thing is... to put it lightly: SHIT!! And I don't need that stress right now. He decides to go have "one drink" with some new friend and I can't get in touch with him... forget it. If I simply could not get it touch with him... forget it. And he can't assure me these things won't happen because he has in the past and ya know what...? They always find a way of happening anyway. My outlook: he needs to just deal with the drive. It's only a few days.

So while he was in the shower this morning I had this entire imaginary fight in my head... therefore I knew it was best to keep my mouth shut because I really did not want to argue with him right then. And THEN my emotions went a totally different direction... when he was leaning over the dog (who is now on the waiting list to go to a different home) he mentioned how "perfect" he was being... and why couldn't he be that wall all the time. I was basically in tears then. So THEN I wanted to just cry to him. Same thing happened when he was leaving... he leaned over me to kiss me bye and I swear I was about to break into tears. I did not want him to go.

It has to be my stress. Everything seems to have me stressed right now... I just need life to calm down for a while.

07.10.2003
12:41 p.m.