Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Only the here and now

I knew my images would go away before I had a chance to renew my membership. Don't worry though, I am still here... and in a few days I will have everything back to normal again!!
"There is no back button." No, there certainly isn't. (Someone else wrote that first sentence, I didn't have time to ask her permission to link her, so I am just letting you know, it isn't mine.) But it paints a perfect picture. I have strived throughout my life to never wonder what things "would have been" if I had taken different paths. For instance, I can look back to the afternoon my house burned down when I was 16... and I can think, "you know, if I had just stayed home, I would have stopped whatever started the fire, before it got out of control... things would have been so different, my mother would have actually still had a stable place that was hers..."
But then I know that I would never do that, even if I was given the chance. Because everything I have done in my past, has led me to who and where I am today. For instance, without that moment, my mother would not have gotten insurance money (which she blew on crap instead of actually rebuilding the place with it...) and we would not have gotten our computer. Therefore, I would not have met my husband... moved to NY - had my children. Without them, I would wither away into nothing. They light up my life... (even when they are making me want to pull every strand of my hair out, one by one.)
So... when I look back to that fateful moment last June - actually, the June before last - (2005 incase I just confused everyone.) and I have a moment of wishing I would have NEVER typed in "why don't you come live in my basement apartment" - I know that would have been a mistake. Having my mother and brother here over the past year was a huge help. It gave me freedom to help my husband when my father-in-law passed away. It gave me that same freedom when we were hit with the tragic and unimaginable onset of my mother-in-law's cancer, which took her life much too fast, just a month after her diagnosis. So I have to remind myself - they HAVE helped out. They really have.
I have to take some good advice, and remind myself to "live in the here and now."
But then I realize just how much the here and now irritates me. Yesterday for instance I had an argument with my mother, in where I think she was trying to play on my past weaknesses and insecurities. You see, I was telling her how irritated I was with my brother - he has a job now, I expect financial help from him. And he had told me he was "not sure" he would have much for me on Friday... because of something that has NO business coming before his room & board, and all the money I have put out for him/them over the past year and a half. So I was venting my frustrations... and SHE had the audacity to try to tell me how I can't control everything in my house, and she proceeds to insinuate I already do not HAVE control over everything in my house. She says "look at how glassy Andrew's eyes were when HE got home from work last night..." At that moment, I BLEW UP. She was saying he had been out drinking (one of the things my brother thinks is more important than giving me money for supporting him) and when I called her on it - she ran away. She said "well, look at Andrew's eyes when HE got home last night" I said "excuse me??!" I asked her what the HELL did she mean by that... she then said that was NOT what she meant - when I demanded she then tell me what she DID mean - she said "well, I just can't talk to YOU" and stormed off to the basement.
Ok - uh.. what the HELL!! I guess they serve beer at the gym now huh? (Andrew and I had a good laugh over that one. Anything like that I would have smelled on him, and he would have simply told me about.) Then she has tried to "mark 'her' territory" by sitting her ass on MY couch a few times today, and acting like nothing happened. I am at my wits end. I am going to see if my brother does the right thing and gives me money tomorrow... if he doesn't, I am telling them both their time is up. That they HAVE to go. That I am FED UP with being taken advantage of.
If he does give me money... I will just have to have hell of a talk with her. This afternoon Aidan asked her to go with him to get his yellow pillow out of his room... he wanted to go through the kitchen... maybe he likes the scenery better. She went through the hall, so he cried. And she takes it personally. And he is TWO. She she stomps off to the basement again muttering under her breath "I guess I did something wrong, again." And I am SO SICK of living like this.
I think I feel better... at least putting it out there. I am just so tired of being taken advantage of.
I will be around!

6:03 p.m.

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