Opening the dam

Yesterday was just one of those really, really bad days. Most of it I spent either crying, or just absolutely enraged. Take your pick. I could not figure out which was worse.

Anyway... after writing my entry yesterday morning my husband and I got into an immense fight. He was determined to go to NY ALONE. For many reasons... some obvious, and some not - I wanted NO part of that plan. But he had valid points regarding our finances. It just was NOT going to easily happen. But I know him too well... and when he wants something to happen, he ALWAYS makes it happen. Yet... he was just perfectly content and seemingly (he insists otherwise) happy to just go alone.

We fought, and we fought - and all those nasty little issues from the past just crept back up into the day. He said my main reason was that I don't trust him, and THAT'S why I refused to let him go alone (granted, that was a big part of it, and a damn good reason) but it was not the only one. And then there was his argument of "you need to just let it go already, and you HAVE to trust me..."

Yeah - don't go telling me when I have to trust you. DON'T go telling me my "time is up" at questioning the who, what, when's and where's. Just DON'T go there. That is MINE to decide. As I recall... around January he took himself a little trip... and what happened then? Let's just NOT go there.

So... yesterday was simply miserable - beyond words. To make a long, long story short... after much arguing and fighting - we figured it out, he came up with an idea that will work. We will stay with a friend of his there, instead of at the hotel we were going to go to.

Yesterday also showed me a few surprises about myself though. How closed off I have become. Basically terrified to show my husband the love that I feel for him. I don't really know what more to say about it other than that... but I need to open back up again.

My husband really has been trying so hard to show he loves me... he says the right things (sometimes) and he tries, he gives me flowers when I am feeling down and he just really does try. I am repeating myself... and honestly not sure where I am going with this. I need to reconnect emotionally - to him, and, most importantly to myself. Does that make sense?

I feel like the paxil actually was not helping me at all - it was not putting the "Band-Aid" over the wounds that I needed... instead it feels like it was building a dam, a wall between myself and my emotions.

I want to feel like myself again. I want to allow my husband to love me again - and stop fearing it. I think I have a lot of work to do.

And with that... my adorable 8 month old little man is trying too hard to stand himself up, and he is just giggling away about it... so I *have* to go hug him. I might not update again until next Monday or Tuesday, WE are going to New York tomorrow, and will not be heading back home until next Sunday.

08.08.2004
2:24 p.m.