Tuesday, September 11, 2012


Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely loathe screaming?
Well... I do. It is worse than nails on a chalk board for me.
You see, when we were in Illinois, the first thing I noticed about my at the time 'great' new friend - (now "former friend") was the way she seemed to constantly scream. Her children were almost always poorly behaved... so, on some level I "got it" - but her screaming... constant shrieking would drive me crazy. I despised it. I dreaded it. But there was no way to tell her that... it was simply her way.
Now... I find myself screaming at my children. They seem to have grown deaf ears to me. At least when I am telling them to stop pulling the couch cushions off the couch, or to stop pulling my daughter's mattress across her room, to stop totally dismantling her bed... to stop pulling their clothes off... and that sort of thing.
I have tried things I despise more... spanking. I spank, and I get laughed at... or my daughter will do this taunting scream that makes me hit the ceiling. So... I try not to spank now. I give their hands a "pop" for constantly touching the buttons on the printer... it means nothing. Saying "no" - no matter how forcefully or loud... seems to mean nothing. Time in the corner... means nothing.
So I have screamed. And now my throat is sore. Maybe I am just worrying too much? Maybe it does not matter if they run around naked, flashing the neighbors if they happen to look in the window. Maybe I am just doing something horribly wrong?
It is making me so, terribly sad.
I can't blame their sleep schedule for it this week.... I put them in bed at 9 last night. And I really just feel like crying. I feel like I am missing valuable happy time with them, because they are behaving so badly they are simply getting yelled at all the time.
Right now... my baby girl is laying on the floor, wrapped up in the throw for the couch (otherwise naked) about to doze off for a bit. My son, is dancing and singing so cute to one of his Wiggles songs... wearing only his shirt and diaper. The couch cushions? Are on the floor.
I feel like I have lost control of my house.
Before my husband's damn job loss... I had everything under control. What the hell has changed?
I just do not know what to do. I feel like anything more drastic than what I have tried, would be construed as abuse... or would bring me way to close to losing my temper. None of that I will allow to happen.
I just feel seriously down about it. I will happily listen to suggestions. (But please no 'Super Nanny' jokes - it might just make me bawl.)
And now... tonight my husband "had" to get home at 6, because he "had" to return the rental car. Now... he is not getting paid the money his check was shorted until who knows when (today)... so he is staying probably to his "regular" time - and returning the car in the morning. So... I get totally fucked out of getting my hair trimmed and my eyebrows done before Thanksgiving... and the various errands that were important to ME to run before Thanksgiving probably just won't get done... and suddenly I just really want to cry.
I have no idea what to feed the kids for dinner... and they should eat within 2 hours. We have chicken. Which I made last night... and have made probably 8 out of 7 nights recently. (Yes, I meant to say it that way...) and I am just totally unmotivated to do it.
Sorry to be such a downer.
I am still happy about the weather though, and excited to put the tree up on Friday.
Now my son just so cutely came up to me... handed me a stuffed star, and said "staaarrr!!" so happily... and smiled so sweet... showing off his adorable dimples - and I feel guilty about writing any of this.
My emotional roller coaster is just being so hard on me.

4:52 p.m.

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