Tuesday, September 11, 2012


I have forgotten how it feels to not hurt. Most of the time I try to ignore that fact. But today, it has me so darn down. I should be really thrilled... I am finally making progress in losing weight. That is part of the vicious cycle though. To lose the weight that is making me hurt so much more, I have to push my body beyond what it has become used too - so I hurt even more. And it has just been building and building. Today was the 2 week mark of the workout regimen I have imposed on myself. I have lost 4.5 pounds in this 2 weeks. And I even ate Halloween candy. But this pain... this pain has had tears in my eyes for the majority of the day. This pain kept me only half able to focus at something that was so important to me last weekend... (my Medicine Wheel's deepening day.) I want to rejoice that I am getting control of my body, but I want to curl up into a ball and cry over the pain. If it was just muscles crying out from adjusting to getting used again - that I could handle. But truly, I can. not. remember. the last time I had a day I did not hurt so much I faked my way through a part of it, just because I am tired of feeling like I am constantly whining about my hip.
Ok - I just had to get that out. / whine.
Now... I have finally uploaded pictures from the walk I took a couple of weeks ago, and from Halloween! The kids looked just adorable! They really enjoyed themselves. And after we did our trick-or-treating we hung out in the front yard, and they handed out candy! My little Aidan even slept in his Spider Man costume that night!! AND - Jillian's school pictures came back. They are just amazing! I had no idea they would come out so wonderfully!!!
I had a bit of a meltdown this afternoon. I have been so worried about my Jillian - and now that we finally have this appointment for her with the developmental pediatrician - I just feel like it is all becoming too real. I am the one that has been pushing that there IS a medical issue. And I KNOW I am right. But now - now I have to face it. And this afternoon... we were having one of our usual 'battles' - I needed her to nap. I needed to do some laundry, so my poor husband would at least see I managed to get SOMETHING done while he was gone. But I needed her to nap to do it, easiest at least. And she still wears diapers to nap in. One of the problems she has - a trait of Aspergers - is the way her mind can get "stuck" on things. A common one has been with my attempts to get her out of her diapers for her naps at home. (She does ok at school without them.)  If I try to get her to nap without the diaper, she panics. (And she will never - and has never - cried herself to sleep. The "doctor" that coined the phrase to let a child 'cry it out' never had one with her problems. She would literally cry all night if we did not get inventive with the ways we have helped her go to sleep...) Anyway - she freaks and won't try to nap without the diaper - but then she won't let me put it on her. And round and round we go. So - finally this afternoon I got her to let me get the diaper on her. I took her to her room, and it was just a ruff day. Her covers were not right, her shelves were to HER out of whack. Nothing was working for her. I tried to see if she would settle herself, I left the room, started my laundry... listened as she got her momentum going. Her shoes were not lined up right, something was wrong with the window, and each thing I fixed, just gave her something else to obsess over. And I picked her up, tears streaming down her face, and I held her in my arms - and I just bawled.
I had a moment. I just held her and cried. I felt so terrible. Here, I have been the one pushing to know I was right, to 'need' a diagnosis. To know I was right. And now - I do. And I didn't WANT this for her. I wanted nothing more to be able to just explain to her how much it did not matter whether her shoes were perfectly absolutely straight. But I couldn't. And my moment is over. And I know and accept that to her - having her shoes perfectly straight can make, or ruin her day. And I will do everything in my power to make sure every day her shoes are perfectly straight - always. No matter what the "shoe" of the day might be. And again, I KNOW that she will be just fine.
Anyway - that was my day. I will leave you with some of the wonderful pictures I have!!!
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My gorgeous Jillian's FIRST school picture!!!

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Pretty as a Princess!!

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My Spider Man!
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My Pumpkins!
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My sweet babies!
There are more pictures, I just don't have time to list them all individually! (But go here to get them all!)

12:11 a.m.

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