By the end of last week, I had decided that I would make one last "go" of it. Give him one more chance.
There were just a few things I needed to hear from him first... and Saturday, he at least started to head in the right direction. He said he did want us to work... and he asked to move back into the bedroom. I thought about it carefully all day, and eventually decided I did want him with me. Saturday night we had a very good night... we felt so close.
Sunday we went to his mother's house because she had not seen either baby since Christmas Eve, and everything went well. On the way home though, I just got really sad. I didn't want to say anything to him about it, because I only would have been repeating myself... but I could have just cried. I wanted to ask him to go back to the futon last night, I just felt like I needed some time alone to think. But that would have been going "backwards" with our progress...
One of the issues he said he has had with our marriage is there is not enough "spontaneity" - that he is scared one day he will look up and we will be old, and had dull lives. Well... I am terrified of being old, looking back, and seeing I could have done better... been happier, made a life with someone that truly cherished me, rather than took me for granted. I'm scared.
I just have this constant knot in my throat... I just want to cry. The physical betrayal hurts, the emotional betrayal hurts more... and I have absolutely no assurance it won't just happen again.
This entry is doing nothing but rambling, so I am going to close. If I think of anything worthwhile to say, I'll be back later.