Purgatory

Everything is so uncertain right now. I don't even know how to gather my thoughts completely on it.

Mainly I just feel sad. I can't even cry about it the way I need to though... I have two beautiful babies counting on me to "keep it together." Maybe it's a mistake, but currently I have left the fate of my marriage up to my husband. I want him to want things to work... but he seems to not know. I feel as if, he either wants me to not care about who he fucks on the side... or he wants me to tell him to leave. I hope I am wrong, I hope he tells me I am wrong.

This morning I was up when his alarm went off, so I sat down beside him on the futon and gently nudged him awake. Before I got up I held his hand for a moment. I just needed to connect with him somehow. It was the first time I had touched him in days.

Then as he was leaving for work, he kissed me... but I asked him why... and did it mean anything to him. At first he tried to avoid the question, but finally he said it did. I wonder, what did it mean? He has said he loves me, but is not "in love with me" - so why show me affection? I just don't understand. This is a game my heart does not have the strength to play.

This morning he also made mention of going out to dinner next week, seeing as my baby boy will get his first shots at his two month appointment this week. I don't see how he can even look that far ahead, I don't know that we will be living together after this weekend with the uncertainty between us, but he is planning into the future like everything is fine. It's part of the reason I wonder maybe he thinks this will all just "blow over" - Like he has to endure my being upset but then everything will just get back to "normal." But to me, if we are to have a future together, "normal" has to be completely redefined.

Not to mention, I feel like I don't even want to go anywhere. It just seems like to much of a hassle. But I know what that is a sign of... and couple that with my need to keep a happy face on for my children, and I am making an appointment to get back on paxil (I took it a few years ago) or something like it. Hopefully something that won't make me sleepy like it did.

Anyway... that's where we seem to stand right now... at the fork in the road, with directions written in gibberish. But right now, it's time to put the smile on my face and play with my smiling baby boy... thankfully, just looking at either of my children makes it easier to smile.

01.23.2004
1:48 p.m.