Friday, September 7, 2012

So here I am, on the edge of my cliff again.

I wanted so desperately to be wrong in my heart. I think that's why I asked everyone's opinion. I wanted someone to say everything I found might be harmless. I wanted a glimmer of hope that my husband actually cared.

I didn't get that. In emails back and forth with me yesterday he basically admitted to sleeping with her, last night he "took it back" so to speak, but did admit to kissing her. I know my husband... he's willing to admit to kissing her - and it's obvious from many directions, that he fucked her as well.

He seemed surprised I would not let him sleep in the bed last night. Like he just expected me to "take it" - like he has assumed I will never leave him therefore he can walk all over me and just have his way.

The truth is though I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no where to go. Paying my own way to keeping this house would be a hell of a task, and would revolve around how much money I could force out of him. It all sounds so nasty. When I found out the first time he had an affair, I was hurt, but I was also enraged... so I had the sense to go straight to a lawyer and figure out all my options. Right now, I am just hurt. I want to crawl into a corner and cry... but I can't. I have two beautiful babies waiting on me to make a decision that will affect the rest of their life.

Do I leave him... and break their home, force them to only know their father on a part time basis, and their older sister probably even less... because I have no idea how my husband would arrange that schedule. Do listen to my husband say he wants it to work out this time? Do I temporarily close my eyes... live life like everything is just dandy, like I don't have an adulterous husband until I can get on my feet better and reevaluate my situation. I don't know. I feel like I am waiting on someone to tell me what to do... but only I can figure this out.

I am such a fool. Everyone said he'd do it again. Everyone said "once a cheater, always a cheater" I was the moron that stood up for him... I told them all how foolish THEY were, that he saw how he had hurt me and he would never do that again. Ok... you were right. The door is wide open... please throw the "I told you so's" at me... Hurt me once, your the bastard, hurt me twice, I'm the idiot.

I did not want my children to have to deal with this. They did not do anything wrong.

In all the talking my husband and I did last night... he did not mutter "I'm sorry" ONCE. Not once. He kept putting the blame on me. And he pulled plenty of rabbits out of his hat last night... that we were married to quickly (ok, so why not leave me 5 1/2 years ago??) that he felt bad because I would have no where to go (what??) That our 11 year age difference MUST play a part... And round and round we went.

So here I am... my husband is sleeping on the couch, awaiting me to either say "come back to bed" - or "get the fuck out"... and I am terrified of both options.

11:17 a.m.

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