Monday, September 10, 2012

Rainy days, dreams, and I love you's

Update here too.
Rain... rain... and more rain. It is starting to feel like we could just float away here. Thankfully, at least so far, my tiny owned piece of the world here on Long Island has not shown itself to be at all flood prone. Hopefully my husband will not find himself in any bad situations on his way to get my step-daughter...
And I hope it stops raining by tomorrow morning. I think it is supposed too... but it might be just a little late... though I am not giving up hope yet. I was really looking forward to taking the kids to the petting zoo... and then a nice pumpkin picking outing afterwards. I guess either way, as long as the rain truly stops by the afternoon, we can still go pumpkin picking.
I had the strangest dream the other night... I have not written about it here yet just because it was so truly disturbing to me... I could not even come to grips with it right away. I call it a dream, and not a nightmare... because generally I think of a "nightmare" as something I wake up thrashing about and screaming from. But it probably deserves that title anyway...
(To know even a portion of the depth of the pain this dream caused me, if you are new around here and that sort of thing, here is a link to my first month's worth of entries. That might clear things up a little.. I tried to find one explanatory entry... and just one did not do it justice.)
So... it started off, with the 2 of us (my husband and myself) lying in bed, and his cell phone rings. (Which ironically enough, happened a few days ago too.) He picks up his phone, and instead of answering it, silences the ringer. "Who was that?" I ask. "Just someone that just started working with me..." he says. Ok... elusive? Yes, I think so. "Ok, who?" "Nobody important..." he replies. "Then why won't you just tell me who it was?" I say. "Because it would not make you happy..." he says.
So, now he has to tell me. A bit of an argument ensues between us... when finally he says... "Ok, it was her." I am confused... he could not possibly mean "that" her... I mean.. I know he would never have allowed her to be hired to work with him... he has that authority... how could he... So, I ask... "HER, her?" His response: "Yes, Heather."
The dream gets all blurry after that. I remember trying to hit him.. but, funny thing about violence in my dreams... when I try to hit someone.. ALWAYS without fail, it is like I move in slow motion... and barely inflict anything when, and if I do connect... even though I have just swung as hard as I possibly could. I remember turning over in the bed, refusing to acknowledge he was even there anymore... terrified... knowing my life just went to shit... trying to figure out what to do... I remember sobbing. Sobbing in a way I have not sobbed in a while.
Then, I woke up. Still with that heavy "just cried my eyes out" feeling all over my body.
I wish I knew what let a dream like that crawl out of it's dirty little hole... so I could seal it back up in a way it will never escape again.
Then, yesterday, a friend wrote me this:
I just wanted to ask you how you deal? My husband hasn't done anything in particular, I just have so much trouble not wanting to gouge his eyes out sometimes. It hits me out of the blue, and I feel like I hate him for it. How have you dealt with it? Do you still have trouble. Do you ever look at him even though you love him but want to gouge his eyes out? I just feel stuck and I'm sick of feeling so angry, hurt and unable to trust.

I think I am flattered that I have even been come to for advice like that. And I know she has been having problems recently... (I got her permission to link it) you can read some of it here. I remember times like that. So vividly.
I guess there are a lot of things that simply time, will heal. When I first started this diary, I was still angry. No, I was still enraged. And now... I am simply not. I do still have moments where I think about it.. and it can anger me... or bring a tear to my eyes... but I have somehow found my ability to force myself through it.
Somewhere in there I recognized that my constant fear of it happening again... would eventually sabotage his efforts to make things right. Does that mean I am saying it would have been my fault? Absolutely not. Everyone has to work through things in their own way... and it for me, was a hard, physically painful process. During which he shoved in a few extra knives. But I know now.. we are stronger than ever before.
I guess that dream showing up out of the blue just serves as a reminder. Of what I have now... of what he almost threw away. And it reminds me that still... even after over 3 years, I am still not completely healed.
I know I did not write a lot of the things that were running through my head last night when I was "forming" this entry mentally. I was just too tired to sit up and put it in.. I guess that is what I get. But, hopefully I got my points across. The dream, just really saddened me.

But, on a much happier note... last night at dinner... my daughter leaned over, put her hand on my arm, and said "I love you mommy." And it brought tears to my eyes. I know you are probably saying "she is 3 what is the big deal" - but that is just it.. she has never done that before. Of all the things she says... that one has eluded her vocabulary... until now. I am so proud of my sweet baby girl. And as if that was not enough for my heart to handle... last night tucking my little guy in... he too decided to tell me he loved me... for the first time. It was truly an amazing evening. I was laying him down in his crib... and on the way down he said "I eee ouuuu." - Which was very definitely, "I love you."

They make every day so special.

5:19 p.m.

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