Tuesday, September 11, 2012


So, last night somewhere between 2:30 am and Sunrise, I was laying in bed, unable to close my eyes for who knows what reason, just flying off the handle at myself. I probably could have come out here and written a darn clear, semi-coherent entry at that time.. but I was, after all, trying to go to sleep.
And I had every intention of coming here and trying to let it all out today. But right now it seems like completely unimportant nonsense.
My husband just spoke to his mother, and then called her doctor to hear everything. Her diagnosis is in. And the optimistic Oncologist, is no longer being at all optimistic. She does not have advanced pancreatic cancer. Instead, she has advanced stomach cancer. He has given her a life expectancy of about a year more - and informed my husband it will not be long before she reaches the point where she is no longer "doing well." Not that she is doing very well right now anyway... but I guess by not well, he means seriously bad.
I just don't even know what to say. I feel horrible for her, and my husband, and my babies who deserve to know what a caring, loving Grandmother she is to them. I am terrified they will not even remember her... and I just don't know where to go from here.
I just feel like the past few weeks, I have been living in a fog.
I normally am so completely excited about Christmas... and I am.. I know I am. And I am looking forward to making it a wonderful day for my babies.. but I just don't feel all "here" - like I am not fully engaged in my life right now or something.
Last night, laying in bed... I wanted so badly to have an intimate moment with my husband. But my mind was just wandering... and he could tell... so eventually he just turned over and went to sleep. Now I know he has so much on his mind right now... I just felt so - lonely. But I can't burden him more than he is... I am supposed to be here to ease his stress right now.
Last night I had the most trivial crap keeping me awake too. My husband said we would have insurance again on January 1st (now when I asked him about it... it sounds less than likely, which honestly ticks me off.. he keeps making this job sound like it is so great, when really, we are getting screwed in every corner...)  - but anyway.. my pain medication for my hip will run out by the end of this month, and I have to actually GO to the doctor before it can be refilled again. And I am over a year overdue for the pap smear that my doctor insisted I have every year (because I have an increased risk for cervical cancer) and with all the medical problems swirling around these days... I can't be too careful. Plus I would like to talk to the doctor about my pathetic sex drive.
AND, I have to start worrying about getting my daughter in kindergarten - I think that is next year, and she is behind on her vaccinations - and honestly.. I have no intention on giving her one more. I have read all the studies and have gotten totally freaked out with the autism risk. So, I have to get in touch with a local group so I can legally get her in school with no vaccinations. (I realize this is a heavily debated topic, I am not looking to start a debate, I just need someplace to get out my mental clutter.)
Last night as I was laying there trying to silence my mind, I thought about my xanax.. I still have the bottle around here somewhere, and I was wondering what the expiration date is on it. It is not more than a year old.
And on that note... I wondered... maybe this fog I am feeling.. the problems getting "into" Christmas as much as normal (I am acting into it.. but I am not feeling it like I normally do) - and my complete lack of desire to leave the house at all could be some sort of depression creeping back in. I am upset about my husband's hours, his pathetic pay... my mother-in-law's health. Just stress, stress and stress. I remember I used to be able to handle anything.
I do not want to end up back on paxil again... after 6 months or so I always end up hating it... and the withdrawal is horrible. But maybe I need something like that. But then, the last time I went to the doctor needing something, and wanting anything but paxil... I still ended up on paxil. And gained an incredible amount of weight last year while taking it... I know I am to blame... but I bet it "helped."
Not that any of that matters anyway.. we would need insurance first. Which, like I said... seems less likely now.
Earlier today my husband made some comment about my attitude being bad recently... and he said a few random things seemingly trying to pick an argument... maybe it was just me.
I just don't know what I should do.

3:15 p.m.

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