Repetition

Twice this past week, my husband has noticed the name of "the whore" on my buddy list - and twice he has said similar things like "why don't you take that name off there already" or "you still have 'that person' on your list?"

I know I have been over this before. Yes, his "ex-affair", "at one time whore", whatever I should call the bitch is still on my AOL buddy list. Though she is certainly no "buddy" of mine, nor is she someone I ever intend to have to speak to again - ever. But still... as I signed online this morning... there she was. Like and oddly comforting virus I know I can count on to be there.

You see, much of the events of last year (the bad events) I have found within myself a way to push so far into the back of my mind, that they truly no longer bother me on a daily basis. Others still linger. Others it takes a "trigger" for. And I look forward to the day that none of it bothers me, at all. I knew this would be a hard year for me. Especially being pregnant again, it sort of keeps some things lingering at the surface... but it's ok... I have learned to live with it rather well. I mean - think of what just the next few days brings to mind for me in terms of "things remembered" from last year: Wednesday, July 10th, I had "Lamaze Class" at 8pm... that he made me late for because he was spending time with "her." Thursday, July 11th, he fucked her for the last time (that I know of), he left "work" at 6:30pm... and I remembered I needed him to stop to pull out $20... so I called his cell. No answer. (Common place for those days during the unusually long time he was on his way "home") Then his friend called me who he was to meet that night to rehearse music with, and needed to get in touch with him... he had tried his cell too - no answer. So we told each other whoever got in touch with him first... would pass the message on that the other needed to speak to him too. Time ticked by... 7:30... he should be home... (it only takes an hour from there - max, I was thinking...) 8:00... still no answer. Finally somewhere between 8:15 and 8:30, he called. I blew up. He was clearly no where close to the house, and he said he had been in his parking lot speaking to someone - and lost track of time. I was such a damn fool. He said one thing though that really stuck in my mind... he said "things are going to be changing." Now, though he did not know it yet - that was truly a major understatement. When he did finally get home that night, he only had time to change and go meet his friends at the studio to rehearse... but I distinctly remember one thing: When he kissed me bye - I knew exactly what he had been doing. I tasted it. I nearly gagged... but knew I must have just lost my mind... that was not "possible." I was such a damn fool. Friday, July 12th - he had a show that I - 7 months pregnant and all... went to. He was distant at the show, but stuck by me to "keep me happy." Later on that month I found he had placed a very short phone call to her number that night... probably just a quick "yeah my wife came, don't show up" call... but I will never know - he denied making the call... though it was right there on the bill. Saturday, July 13th was actually a good day... as was the majority of Sunday the 14th - until that evening. I told him I was stepping into the shower.. and I was... but the phone rang, and I stepped out to see who had called... I walked into the computer room to see him in the mist of writing an email to her... the only part of the email I glimpsed before he frantically closed it said "I'm sorry I left Borders (book store) so quickly the other night..." I freaked. And to make a very long story short... hours later he realized he was going to turn over his AOL password to me - or not sleep that night. And there it was - right in front of me... the horrible truth I had been avoiding for months. He wanted a reaction... but I could not give one. I did not sleep that night.

Monday, July 15th, we had a Rush concert to go to, with his friend. I still went, thinking it would take my mind off things for a bit. But I was cold inside - totally numb. On the way home... I finally cried... though not nearly enough.

I could go on... the weeks following that were still a series of charades... and having "her" name on my buddy list came in very handy during that time. I have nearly removed it several times since... but have always given myself a reason to leave it - "just a little longer." Even last night I was thinking to myself (after everyone else in the house was snoring away) why not just remove it? And then a terrifying thought hit me... he is hopefully going to get a new job this week. One that will take him back to the same street "she" works on again... Oh God - what if his new company happens to lease space in her building... what would I do? How would I handle that? My answer: I don't know.

So you see - he says "why don't you remove her from your list already" like it is something buried so deep in the past that 10 years could not resurrect it. But it's not that far gone yet. In fact, at times... it's still frighteningly close. I don't let it interrupt my daily life much anymore - but it is still around.  



07.08.2003
12:36 p.m.