Saturday, September 8, 2012


My head hurts. And last night as everything was whirling through my head at light speed I "wrote" this entry out perfectly, with the intense emotion and raw feelings I mean for it to have. The only problem is, I didn't actually "write" it. I was merely yelling it inside my head.
My husband is still having no bites on his resume. Well... no, allow me to correct that. He has had one - with real promise it seems. I mean, just someone casually interested won't fly you to Florida on their dime for the day unless they really want to hire you.
Oh, wait - I said Florida didn't I. See, I am holding out hope that they will want to put him at their office here in Illinois - but he seems convinced otherwise and for good reason, they have already talked of a house to rent us, and moving trucks, etc. And I am no fool, a position for him, would be a corporate office position. Their corporate office, is in Florida.
I feel, resentment. Not at all towards my husband, but at the control he has over this situation. And in his defense, he has been trying to find a job here. But he almost seems resolved to just go. And frankly, that would probably be his dream, he loves south Florida.
I hate the South. I hate the heat. I hate stepping out of the shower in the summer and immediately sweating because it's so damn hot. I hate the "4" seasons of summer, really fucking hot and humid summer, summer, and don't forget the two days of "oh gee, might need to actually wear long pants today." I hate it. There is supposed to be bright beautiful colors of orange and red on the trees at Halloween, gloomy gray skies promising snow is on the way at Thanksgiving - and most importantly, snow at Christmas. January is supposed to be so friggin cold you don't WANT to go outside, instead curl up with a warm blanket and fire in the fire place. Not fucking palm trees and oceans.
I know many would disagree, but that's how *I* feel. I have so much I want here in this house. I just got my shipment of bulbs to plant now for the spring... but I find myself wandering, will I even get to see them bloom. I have plans, for Thanksgiving, for Christmas, for the spring... and they are all for HERE. I do NOT want to move... I absolutely love it here.
But I have realized my control is limited. I have to make the choice that is best for my family. Right now is the time we have to set down good, stable roots for my children. He can tell me don't worry, he can tell me we can move in the future - but in the future our children will be in school. I could not just uproot them like that. The school district we live in is one of the best in the country. I wanted that so badly for my children. I can feel my heart breaking.
I wanted to learn cross country skiing this winter. There are trails here for it everywhere. I wanted to get sleds, and inner tubes and go down the plentiful hills in the snow. All that is in danger now. And there is nothing I can do about it.
Why is everything so difficult?
I just don't know what to do.

2:47 p.m.

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