Monday, September 10, 2012

Second entry today...

I did an earlier (more important, happier) entry today, and that can be found here.
Yesterday was an odd day in a few ways. It had it's ups, and downs.
In one of the ups, we went to visit my husband's mother on the way to take my step-daughter home yesterday evening. We all went into her back yard, and the kids LOVE to play baseball... (or just swing the bat at the ball, each other, you get the idea...) and of course, so does my husband.
Somehow this led to me "pitching" to my husband. And I don't exactly know what I did... but I came down wrong on my foot, which made me start to fall... (and I had already been beating myself up about my weight all day... that's another story...) so, I was picturing myself, fat and clumsy splattering myself across the pavement... and in my panic to prevent that from happening - I twisted my back totally out of whack. I felt it happen.. and just hoped it would not become anything big. But all morning today... it has just been throbbing. I think that's why I did not write more earlier than I did... I am just completely distracted. This does not make me happy... and wow does it hurt.
But, it has just added to my "I am fat, out of shape and gross" feelings about myself. Last night, it felt so easy, when I was laying there trying to go to sleep... to tell myself I will have no more "fast" food for the rest of the year. And have no more chocolate until I drop 20 lbs. And limit myself to only 1 soda a day until the pack I have is gone, and then just drink water. I was so sure of myself... and so sure I could do it.
And now... I want chocolate so badly, and I have had my "one" soda, and know damn well I will get another one this afternoon. I can say it is because I am hurting so badly.... and I am sure that has something to do with it. But the fact is, even if I was not hurting, there would simply be another excuse.
To give myself some credit, I have lost some weight recently, and I have begun to work out again, and I have been religiously taking my "carb blocker" pill before each meal like I am supposed too...
I just feel like I have such a battle ahead of me, and I don't feel ready for it.
And yesterday, all day, I was battling feeling like there was this canyon between my husband and myself. He is getting so frustrated with my mother... but the way he talks to me about it, it almost seems like he does not think I feel the same way. But that was not all of it... that was not even the majority of it..
I just feel like he has closed himself off to me right now. Taking my step-daughter home yesterday, he barely spoke to me. And I know he is all wrapped up in everything from work - but I don't like feeling so shut out. And there comes a point where he should put work behind him... (last night, I came way to close to telling him he should just work 7 days a week to actually be happy, since he acts so miserable when he is at home...)
I know happiness is a choice that we all have to make. And I have made my choice, and overall, I am happy. But last night, I was so sad. Today... I just freaking hurt. And I want to cry. I want things to settle down... and I want my back to stop hurting - THAT will improve my mood I know.

12:03 p.m.

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