Friday, September 7, 2012

Self pity session

I am trapped in a vicious self defeating cycle. And this entry is going to be full of whining, complaining and self abuse, so if you don't want to deal with it... just leave now.

My husband called me a little while ago, just to let me know where he was stopping for lunch... and that was so nice of him. All morning I have been fighting horrible food cravings. Thankfully though, there is no chocolate in the house. But anyway, as soon as we hung up the phone, I called him right back, and I told him I don't know what's wrong with me (regarding my constant sweets desires). He rushed me off the phone because he had arrived where he was supposed to be... which, in my overly emotional state at the moment seriously hurt my feelings. I was needing to talk so bad. He could tell there was a change in my mood and he asked "are you mad?" and of course I said no - *I* was being ridiculous. He's busy. He's working.

So, I hung up the phone, and cried. I cried a lot. And in the middle of it all somewhere I began to analyze myself. I am so upset about my weight. I have 25 - 30 pounds I need to lose. And, that really is not a lot. It should be very easy to do. But I have been wanting chocolate every day. We are getting a treadmill by the end of the week, and I am assuming that will help put me well on my way. But I am just so upset with myself for not controlling what I want and what I actually *need*.

Early in January I was riding my exercise bike, and was trying to get on track. But I soon realized that the bike was not going to work as easily for me to do now that my daughter is running free around the house. (That's why we are getting a treadmill, I can fold that up so she can't hurt herself on it when I am not using it.) But everything just cycles back to my emotions.

I am upset about my weight, but my weight is not the cause of my emotional state. Hence the "vicious cycle" commences. I have been hurting on the inside so much recently... and I have not been able to get it out much at all... I feel like I don't even know how right now. Like just pretending nothing happened is so much easier. But that does not stop me from hurting where no one can see. Now, how all that ties into my lack of ambition to control my cravings I am not really sure, but it seems to be connected somehow.

So, now today I hope to have my husband pick up a chai and expresso brownie for me on his way home... I mean, he has to stop at the store in the same shopping center anyway... (this is my twisted rationale) And then, later this week we will get the treadmill, and I hope to begin to straighten myself out... and that controlling my cravings will follow suit. Meanwhile, we are expecting friends to come over this weekend that have not seen me since I was just barely pregnant with my son... and relatively thin. I am actually embarrassed. I almost hope they cancel and won't see me for a few more months. I feel like a fat cow.

12:51 p.m.

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