Saturday, September 8, 2012

Sex, sex, sex... sex

Sometimes my husbands desperation for sex enrages me. Other times it simply depresses me. There was a time when this was not such a huge issue in our marriage. I want to go back to those times... but I am well aware that they are long gone at this point.
It hurts... it honestly actually hurts. Since we began our "date night" schedule, we have had sex more in the past 2 months than we had in probably the 3 months leading up to it, combined 2 or 3 fold. Yes... I know... bad huh? But god forbid we miss a "night" and he turns into a panting, nasty ass-hole about it. For instance, Monday night it just didn't work out. So, Tuesday night he did everything in his power to keep me from getting to sleep... Wednesday was similar, only he was even MORE obnoxious about it. Last night had potential, but out of no where he announced he was turning over and going to sleep.
I just don't understand. If I suddenly became disabled... paralyzed or something. (In other words, unable to have sex any longer.) Would he still love me? Would he stay with me? Would he simply go find someone "better equipped?" It hurts to even think about. Now, I am *not* disabled... but the way he acts about it is such a turn off in itself...
His entry today in his journal, the "sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex" just makes me realize how shallow he can be. The rest of the entry seemed so nice... and understanding. Oh, but then wait... no his PHYSICAL "needs" have to come before any other damn thing in the fucking world. Sorry.. I momentarily forgot my "place" I suppose.
The way sex has become such an issue, has become an even bigger issue for me. It is a huge "turn off" and I just want it all to stop. Why can't he understand that? Why am I made to feel like I have to "answer" for not having sex with him? Tuesday morning I was grilled over what had happened the night before.. or at least it felt that way. I just want to be left alone about it.
It just tears me apart on the inside. I want to have sex with him. I want him to know that... but I want him to stop becoming such an obnoxious ass if he doesn't "get it" each night he expects it. That only makes the problem worse.
We have our "date nights" and I really enjoy them. Can't he just be happy with that?

1:10 p.m.

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