Shame

Main Entry: [1]shame
Pronunciation: 'shAm
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English scamu; akin to Old High German scama shame
Date: before 12th century
1 a : a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b : the susceptibility to such emotion
2 : a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute : IGNOMINY
3 a : something that brings censure or reproach; also : something to be regretted : PITY shame

you can't go> b : a cause of feeling shame
It is no secret I need to lose weight. I am sure I have said it in here before... but just incase I haven't, let me make myself very clear: I need to lose weight.

I feel like I woke up one day last year, suddenly fat. I know it actually did not happen that way... and I have my excuses but there is no viable reason why I should look the way I do now. I blame a lot of it on the paxil I was on last year... but still.. I should have adjusted my eating and NOT had that "extra" brownie or whatever the hell I did to deceive myself into believing I was not actually causing myself harm...

My husband has gained some weight too... though I doubt he has as much he needs to lose as I do... but, this morning, he took my (fragile, I will admit these days) feelings and just crushed them. Suddenly he decided it was my fault he has gained weight. That I do nothing to help him lose it, and the chips and crap "in the house every time I turn my back" (so he says) is making it MY fault he has gained weight. (No, he did not actually SAY my fault, but his message came through loud and clear.) Of all the things I did not need to worry about right now, this takes top place. I know damn well I need to lose weight, but now on top of worrying about losing the house, paying the bills, if he will ever find a damn job, etc, I also will continually have to worry about how fat he thinks I am.
This morning he just went on and on, and would not shut up.. but all I wanted to do was tell him to leave me the hell alone. It was like he has no sense of the right things to say, or to act like he gave a damn... though he insisted that was only how *I* was interpreting it.

No matter what his intent, it made me so angry, yet, at the same time immensely sad. I just wanted to crawl into a hole where no one could see me. I have realized what made me so angry now, so hopefully I can control it better in the future. He was using shame as a weapon. Making me feel guilty. Like he had no compassion about it at all. I will be controlled by no one. And to throw guilt in my face, will immediately infuriate me.

As I drove past a church the other day, on the sign out in front of it, I saw something written that, probably for the first time ever I agreed with from a church billboard, "He who angers you, controls you." And that is so true. I mean seriously, could my husband have any worse timing to decide to get nasty/pushy with me over my weight?

Then he started getting on me over my mood... saying things like "the stress is really getting to you isn't it." Good grief I just wanted to scream "YOU THINK SO???" Sometimes I think he is not as stressed about this as he should be. This is not a simple problem we have found ourselves in here... and then other times he does seem to understand... maybe he is just trying to deny how worried he is.

I still feel like I could just break into tears. Yeah, this is really what I needed right now.

And about everything else: we THINK the crisis has passed with the house. They got the down payment money, and we will not know if they got the fax for another day or so. I just really hope everything finally works out to our benefit with this. Now if only the damn tenants would pay their February rent on time.. (never going to happen.)

The phone is still silent for the most part. This is driving me crazy.



01.27.2005
1:31 p.m.