Saturday, September 8, 2012

Soul Searching

My husband asked me the other day if I had looked at any of the entries I wrote last year recently, as we were about to leave NY to head here, to Illinois... and I realized I had not...
Thinking it may help me get perspective, the other day I dove in... I read all these, and some of these. Hoping to relax myself some. It did not work. In leaving NY, we had hoped for a "fresh" start in some ways... but I realize, there is no true "fresh start" - I can run from those bad memories forever... no matter the distance, they will always be there. That was the main thing I had hoped to accomplish by leaving NY. I have come a long way since then. I noticed my writing was still very much centered around his infidelities then, as they should have been... we were only a few mere months from his last one... but still... we have come so far in this year.
I don't even know if this is making sense, though I hope it is.
At that time last year, I had mentioned feeling totally "scatter brained" - and you know what? I feel the exact damn way right now. I have too many things to worry about... so much going on, yet no direction. I know this will end with us moving... sooner rather than later, but I don't know "when" - so I can't exactly start packing up the dishes yet, but that doesn't make me not want to any less.
Yet another "blow" came to us on Friday, when our mortgage company told us they had to stop the "rework" on our loan, citing we were only eligible for that if we resided ON the property. Now, you would think they would have told us this 2 months ago when we started this... but at least it temporarily got us out of foreclosure, so we have a few weeks to figure something out. Our tenants, of course have not paid the rent, and have not answered their phone. Saturday we left them a "final message" on their machine that we were beginning legal action Monday. We have a very good friend who is an attorney, so hopefully we can get the process of removing them going. If we learned they had vacated the property today, I would make very sure we were there by the end of next week - seriously.
The uncertainty and the waiting game is insane.  My stomach is just in knots.
I did one good thing today. I got up, and walked for 30 minutes. (No, not outside its friggin 20 degrees), I wiped the dust of my treadmill and did it. My hip has hurt a little more today, and has really reminded me it was there a few extra times, but so far I am doing ok. I am still not sure if I will do it again tomorrow, or give it one extra day. Nevertheless, it is a "step" (no pun intended) in the right direction. I just hope my hip does not get bad.

7:55 p.m.

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