This is the night that has hung over our wonderful week like a shadow... waiting to consume everything. There is no possible way to prolong this time.. but I want to so badly. It has not been enough. Nothing would be enough. But it is so hard... I have no idea when we will see my step daughter again. My fear is we will not see her again until her birthday at the end of May. That is just too long. We have already lost nearly a year. A year.
My baby girl will wake up tomorrow wanting her "A-shanta" (that is how she says her name, Amanda) and she will be gone. They have to leave long before my little angels will get up. And it breaks my heart. All my baby girl will know her big sister was finally around again.. just long enough for her to really bond with her.. and now she will be gone, just like that. I just can't handle this. I have cried silently to myself so many times today I honestly lost count. Why am I even saying this? Not for sympathy, or certainly not pity... I am just trying to figure it all out myself I suppose.
My relationship with my step daughter has been so rocky at times in the past. Though from what I can tell, those sorts of power struggles and differences in views are all normal. It just breaks my heart. I feel like this week may have helped to bandage any lingering issues... not because of what was said between us, but because of what was not said. I let her do her own "thing" more... and I did my best to not come on to strong in all the areas we used to squabble. I hope it made an impact. I hope she knows how much I love her... how much I want us to be around her... how much I want her in my two munchkins, her brother and sister's life. They need to know each other.
My husband was talking earlier about maybe he "should not go to the Houston interview" and how he "probably won't get the job anyway" and such. And I know the chances are, he very well may get the job. Even he said it, it is always the one you don't care about that you get... and Houston is my LAST choice. But we have no other offers on the table. And the bills are starting to pour in again. We have now not made a payment on our truck since January. A couple more weeks and they will begin to threaten repossession and I have no idea how we are going to handle this. Because I seriously doubt our tenants will pay us the rent for March on time. I feel so overwhelmed. And we have no where left to turn.
I have my family... my husband and two children. I want us closer to my step daughter and my husbands parents where we could really help out. I just feel so lost. There is nothing we have not tried. There just are no jobs right now open for my husband. He is even looking at ones in lower positions than he has held and still we are running into dead ends.
And I am just so sad. I hope my step daughter knows how much I love her. And how much I will miss her. And I hope my baby girl understands when she gets up tomorrow morning, that she will see her big sister again.. and I hope she can hold onto the memories from this week... but she is just so little...
And my sweet little guy... he just puts on a happy face all the time.
I don't want anyone to see me cry. And... I can't even pin point exactly why I am so emotional. Well... I can I guess. I just want to know what the hell we are doing from here. I want us closer to NY so badly now. My babies need more stability, and so much less stress around them. But then what do we do if he gets some amazing offer from the Houston company this week?
I am just rambling now. If I am going to just talk in circles... I suppose it is time to close for the night.
02.25.2005
10:43 p.m.
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