Tears of relief

I had accepted that we were not getting our tax money anytime soon. I had accepted, it was lost in some void, or returned to the IRS, or that our tenants had received it (because it was sent there, to be forwarded here by the post office) and out of spite had thrown it out. I had accepted we were going to have to beg for financial help to get out of here, and barely squeak by doing it.
Even when Friday morning, our sweet mail carrier from NY called us after we took a shot in the dark and left a message for her the day before to ask her about the checks, she called us back to say they had accidentally been delivered to the house a day she was not working, and not sent on to us BUT the day before the tenants had (finally) put them back in the box and she got them. (She remembered us and everything!) So she would send them on... and what happened next, was truly amazing. We asked if we could pay for them to be sent overnight (as of today, we are out of MANY things...and were financially screwed) and when she checked, not only would they send them overnight - but they did not even charge us for the overnight fee.
Through all that I still had accepted we would not see that money any time soon. It just seemed like that would be to good a thing to happen, following the pattern we have had here. I made the store list of all the things we so badly need today... "in case" - and I happily planned going OUT to dinner with my family today... still planning on not getting the checks. And then, about 10 minutes ago, the doorbell rang.
I can't even describe the relief I feel. It is only money. But it is our way out of here. It is our freedom at this moment. My husband left to cash one check, and deposit the other... and out of no where I just plain started to cry. The sense of relief is just overwhelming. This nightmare is finally so close to being over. I have literally had this feeling of such a heavy weight on my chest recently... and, it is still there now... but it's different. Like it is "releasing" - this is actually a physical feeling. I guess that just goes to show how unhealthy all this has been for me.
So, once my husband gets back, I will go to the stores I need to go to, and run the errands I need to run.. finally knowing we are almost out of here. Tonight we will attempt to go eat a relaxing dinner away from home.. (unless my daughter does not nap, then one of us might just run and pick up dinner, either way it beats cooking the repetitive food we have been eating.)
I just can't believe I cried over it. I am so relieved to know we finally have the money to get out of here. Now I can get myself in gear and get packing. (I have done some in the past few days, but now I can really get to it.)

05.21.2005
12:58 p.m.