It seems I have inadvertently created my own shit storm... I have opened a pandora's box... so to speak.
And I can't just "take it back." You see... the entry I did yesterday... the long one - got my husband apparently quite livid. I realized I was removed from his diary's buddy list, and in checking, realized he had deleted his entire diary. So I asked him why did he delete his diary - after lots of sarcasm he let me know it was because of my entry.
Now... I never got out of him what exactly in the entry ticked him off so much - whether it was that I got specific about the "porn issues" I have been having with him... or maybe it was that I put our personal emails into the diary... I don't know. After a while he just wanted it dropped... so I was at that point, happy to comply.
Today however, I was aggravated at how he had behaved about it... so I started digging... and I pulled up more of "those" sites that had been on our computer... the reason he had cleared out the history last week... and I searched the screen name he had lied to me and told me he had found other porn sites from (see other entry for the full story) and I found the name... a totally different one than what he had given me.. but she had the site in her profile nonetheless... and she did frequent the "message boards" and she lives - yep... in NY too. Guess what message boards she frequents? "Married and looking" or "Love affair" and several similar ones.
I told him we needed to talk... and all I have gotten back is bullshit. First a "I'm wrong" attitude... and then a "he was just looking... like looking in my Cosmo magazine" attitude... and a "when would I actually have time for that anyway" attitude.
He refuses to acknowledge my fears have valid reasons. He refuses to give up this nonsense... and I don't know what to do. I can't "take it back" - so now I am stuck wondering if I have a husband simply with issues... or if I have more of a problem... a husband constantly on the prowl for a "fuck buddy."
I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff... and someday I have to jump over it. But will I have a parachute or not? Or can I just ignore the cliff for a few more years until I am ready to deal with the possible consequences of my actions?
He won't give me reason to believe I am wrong... other than trying to make me feel "guilty" for questioning him........