Then, and now.

At what point do we become our own poison, rather than the antidote?

I feel like I have been living my life so carefully this past year - knowing - waiting for everything to come crumbling down around me. And it hasn't. And I don't think it will... but at what point does being "careful" turn into a sabotage of how happy I am?

I read something in Ciulionn's diary a couple weeks back that really got me thinking. She said: "We make our way through life, always nursing the wounds of evidence of the ones who came before, always trying to shield those tender spots from another blow. And another blow always comes, doesn't it? Therefore, it's necessary to stay alert, be aware of every danger and head it off at the pass.

But what if another blow doesn't come? What if the walls we build around ourselves to keep the pain out only serve to lock the pain inside instead, trapped with us, trapped within us, the unwanted cellmate in a self-imposed prison?"

Those two little paragraph's really struck a spot in my soul. There have been so many things I have been afraid to "let go" of - so many constant reminders - I have tried so desperately to keep close what happened... so I could recognize the signs to make sure it never happened again. I have been terrified of having to feel that pain again - and at times, that fear is overwhelming... still.

But my husband has been so wonderful to me this past year - with only a few issues arising that I wonder - am I protecting myself, or keeping the pain too close... and not letting it heal the way I should?

I want to trust him unconditionally. I know, however - that unconditional trust will take much longer to achieve that just one year...

I just want my heart to no longer skip a beat when he really does have to work late... because I know now he IS being faithful, and yet still a million "what - ifs" scamper through my mind on the nights the clock seems to be on overdrive... while he is running in slow motion getting home.

I really don't know where I am going with this - I guess just trying to get out some of the things running in constant circles in my head these days...

The pain I felt last year because of him, to this day, greatly exceeds any pain I have felt... and I still feel it some... and that I can't control. But at what point does comparing the "then and now" keep the pain too close? Forcing it to become my "prison" rather than my shield?



08.29.2003
4:15 p.m.