Things Remembered

Yesterday was Graduation Day at the high school that is less than a block away from my house. It was nice... we sat on the stoop in the front and watched all the overly excited kids leaving that place behind them as fast as their cars could possibly take them. I felt so happy for them.

I never got to do that. "Graduate" that is. And though the only person I should really blame is myself... I don't. At least fully. I blame my mother. I was a smart kid. Really and truly I honestly was a very smart kid. I was in this "special program" that accelerated my math and science classes so that by the time I got to High School, I would already know almost everything they taught in their "basic" classes and could move on to "bigger and better" things. My 8th grade class was even going on a trip to meet the president of the country (at the time George Bush Sr.) at the end of the school year. I never got to take that trip.

Halfway - or more like a quarter of the way through that school year my father passed away. And it was a lot for me to swallow at the time. Until October 3rd of that year, I had not missed one day of school. Then I missed two. Then I got lazy, and missed a lot more. My mother should have pushed me. Isn't that what parents are supposed to do? Instead I think she preferred my company at home at the time. Then we "had" to leave Texas and go back to Alabama. She never even looked into school there to enroll me. When it came time for the NEXT school year she looked into "home schooling" - and allegedly enrolled me in that. I don't think I was ever enrolled. They never came at me to take one test... she just ordered the books - some of the books.

I had so much going for me - and just like she does with herself, she made sure it all fell apart. She has done the same with my brother... though he did not even make it to 8th grade. Somewhere in elementary he stopped going to real school. But he does not have the common sense I had. She has his mind twisted to think life just gets handed to you on a silver platter... and what you don't have, you beg for, steal for, or go to your family for. It makes me crazy to think about. I know I could fix my high school errors "tomorrow" if need be. But he is so screwed up - he probably could not even do that.

I don't know - I had this entry "going" a dozen other places... but ended up here. Why is it when I think about all the things I need to write and get out - I think so clearly, and then when I sit down to do it - it all jumbles itself up and I never get out everything I mean to say.

06.30.2003
2:22 p.m.