I don't know what to do about my St. Bernard. One moment I feel I have created a monster I don't want... by even letting it get to the point my husband feels we can get rid of him... and the next, I am agreeing it is the thing to do.
And now - as if we aren't stressed enough with our money... actually our lack of money, I feel stress with this. Like my husband is pushing me to get rid of him. I really care for that dog. And I have thought and thought about this... will I have more time for him in the future? Will life be getting LESS hectic to let me give him the attention he deserves? I am having another baby in December... so the resounding answer to that is a big fat giant NO!!! But then... I feel like I am giving up on him... and I have NEVER given up on an animal before - ever. And that breaks my heart. Especially considering when we got him and all... he was my buddy and companion... and now I am mad at him more than I am giving him love and it's just not fair to him. I am so heart broken over this I can't even begin to explain it. It's like sometimes I think I just need someone to tell me "it's the right choice" so I can do it... but no one is here to tell me that. I am a "big girl now"... I am supposed to be able to make these choices on my own.
It is really tearing me apart inside. And this morning... when I am having all these doubts about giving him away, and thinking about how maybe I can make it work... he trots into the den, lifts his leg over the ottoman, and pees. Now, we are not talking about 4lbs Chihuahua pee here. He is a 180+lb St. Bernard. I feel like I had to soak up the Gulf of Mexico from my ottoman. I scold him and he growls at me. So I threw him outside. That was over an hour ago... and I know he does not understand why he is out there. I just don't know what to do. Would anyone else truly love him the way I used to have the time for? Or would he just be trading us in for someone who will lose patience with him even easier.
07.01.2003
12:43 p.m.
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