Saturday, September 8, 2012

Time to let it go... really.

So... everything I have to say in this entry is probably unimportant trivial nonsense to most... so, I hope it does not bore you to tears... or cause sporadic eye rolling with sighs of "this AGAIN" - but I just need to get it out... and hopefully this time I can leave it there. (I do intend on this being the last major entry I dedicate to this perpetual waste of my time.)
An excerpt from my previous entry:
"I even got to see my former friend in a surprise visit. (I thought she would send her husband over for a video tape that belonged to them that I found... but instead she appeared at my door.) And much to my surprise, gave me a much needed, and extremely deserved apology. Now... the rest of this will get it's own cute little entry at some point... but right now... I am not in the mood - and am just going to focus on the good things."

And when I said "much needed and extremely deserved apology" - that was a major understatement.
So... she came over, and before leaving said to me "for what it's worth, I'm sorry." Honestly, I was stunned. I don't think I said much of anything to her at that moment. And she left... and that was that. And, as the night wore on... for who knows what reason I grew sentimental. I thought maybe she had been sincere. (I don't know why, it is obvious she has not been sincere at any other moment to me for the duration of time I knew her.) And I thought, maybe she was feeling bad, maybe she wanted to keep in touch. So... I wrote her a letter. Apologizing for much more than I should have, or needed to. Saying when I found her true feelings for me in those writings she had done last year, that I should have just said something right then - that two deceptions did not equal truth. (I didn't say that exactly, but you get the gist.)
Apparently, I was very wrong. My assumption after the fact, was right. She used me (my money at the time) to move herself to her "dream location" from the horrible place she was in Oklahoma, (finally repaying me earlier this year after swearing she would do so as soon as they were moved) and she used me to get them diapers whenever they needed (which was often) and cigarettes, and whatever the hell else she may have needed. And once I could not help her out anymore, because I had problems of my own she did not have to "pretend" anymore - and the "friendship" grew more and more distant. And she moved on to her next... "friend."
I don't know why this is still plaguing me so much. Well... I do - I have a constant reminder of it every time I check my stats, and see her little pogo "friend" has checked my diary yet again. And that is just so damn annoying. I swear the "woman" checks my diary so many times a day... you would think she would have the sense to add me to her friends list to at least save herself the time, then she could *know* when I update. Oh wait... then she would "give herself away" - because heaven forbid she "confirms" to me what I already know... (that she reads me constantly) her static netscape i.p. address has done that anyway. (And on that same note, I want to say it is none of her damn business what I write, or say - it is not like she is reading this because she cares at all about me.)
I don't understand why she decided to hate me so much. And there are just so many things I could say... but I am a *nice* person. In the end... I even tried to "fix" it. Because I felt bad. I did not want to leave it that way. I honestly care about her, and her family. And, I think at least her husband, cared about my family. Then again... who knows. Clearly I have been wrong before.
I am just honestly mad at myself. For even giving her the satisfaction of that letter. I should not have apologized for a damn thing. But I was trying to salvage what I thought was a portion of a legitimate friendship. And I was wrong. She was entirely a lie after all.
And I know I am not a naive person... I just honestly got duped. I think (because I have over analyzed this quite a bit) I just wanted a "friend" so badly in Illinois - I gave her the benefit of the doubt too long... and I should have shut myself off long ago. What pisses me off even more is that my children, especially my daughter got a bit attached to her. And then, she goes and shows up at my door one "last" time... because I now know her apology was not legit - I have to question her motive. Now, thankfully it seems my little girl has not thought about her much since our move... and that makes me feel better. But honestly, that was uncalled for.
I know this entry is all over the place. I am so tired... and I just want to call her on every lie she ever told... but that would take pages - and really... what would it accomplish? It is not like she is someone I will stay in touch with - so all I can do is hope everything works out for her... and just let it go.
She is just not worth my time. Or energy. I just have to let it go. You cannot mend something that apparently was never there to begin with.
So... that is all. I had nothing to apologize for - and I know that now. I let my over caring side take over a little too much... but I guess "it happens." And the past is the past... I guess it is time to leave all this there - and look towards the things that really matter in the future. My sweet babies... and my family. My house, my home. It feels so good to be back. I think... (note: think) I am finally beginning to relax, and know we really are home... the sky did not come falling down with some final trap from that place trying to hold onto us. And I have everything that matters to me... right here with me. And I am happy.

11:25 p.m.

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