Trapped

I had the oddest dream last night. Or somewhere in the early morning hours. I really don't know which... But I was enrolling my daughter into Kindergarten (a growing fear as I realize just how fast time flies, she will be three in September, and this past year flew by so fast... I just wish I could slow it all down) and I realized I knew the school I was at. It was not just any school, it was MY elementary school. Now, this alone is totally impossible... my elementary school is in Mobile, Alabama - somewhere I will never live again. Ever. (Sure, I plan on driving through it when I get a chance, and seeing how things have changed.. but live? Umm... no.)
To add to it all... she was going to have my same teacher... Mrs. Sharp. The thing was, Mrs. Sharp in my dream, was not the real her, in my dream she was the crossing guard that we drove past year after year, this woman was so devoted (in real life) she was even there after I had moved BACK to Alabama from Texas in my teens... and she still worked that same corner. Anyway... and there was some mini pool thing, that never actually existed but in my dream, I said "I remember that!" or something along those lines. Anyway... very odd dream. Am I going anywhere with this? I just might be...

You see, maybe my subconscious was trying to take me back to a time, just before everything slowly began it's rapid decent in my loss of innocence as a child. Just about 1st grade is when I knew something was wrong... (seeing your father cry, really cry for the first time can do that to you... he told me that day "I don't know if your Mommy and I can stay together" - and I was petrified... after that, nothing was ever said in front of me, but that day he held me and cried... years later I realize that is when he realized he was sick, and just afterwards they must have made the choice to stay together anyway, for my brother and I.) But before that day... the time this dream was telling me to remember, I was really honestly innocent to things that can "go wrong" - I did not know all the things my mother did over the years.. and I had no reason to not trust her. No reason to not invite her to live in the apartment in my basement.

Yes, you can pick your jaw up off the floor... I really did just say that. You see... she has been having much the same sort of job troubles over the years that my husband has... and now she left her job in Houston in car sales because... she said she was making nothing. And now she has some notice that she has to be out of her apartment within a week or so... and, I was feeling really bad for her. I know how hard it seems she has tried this time... I really do.
Did that mean I was going to offer her a place to live here? No. I did not even give it much thought at all until my husband suggested it around the end of last week sometime. And to me... he seemed really serious. Still I figured even if I offered it, she would not take it. She had said she hated NY when she was here before...

But I thought on it, and thought on it. And yesterday in talking to her, she was talking about her having to move, and I was talking about our money problems... and she said "what are you going to do." And I just put it out there... expecting more of a screw you than anything, and said "rent my basement to you." Well... she said she would gladly do that, and asked me if I was serious. When I said yes, and that even my HUSBAND had suggested it first... she really got into the idea.

Now, I have gone over and over this in my head. The way it could be completely disastrous to the fragile relationship I have built with my mother. And I am fully aware of everything that can go wrong... but when it comes down to it, through all of that, whatever happens, I can simply ask them to leave. I know it would not be that simple, and would involve a messy argument, and chances are if it did come to that, I would have to endure her deciding to not speak to me again for a year or so... but still... she would be in *MY* house, it is not like she could just stay without my allowing it. And... I really feel like I did the right thing by extending the invitation - which it seems like she is just fully planning on at this point.

I have even looked at the good points - it would free us in so many ways... Once my husband gets working (which he was called back in TODAY to meet with them again from his interview yesterday... so this is looking very promising, though I am scared to get my hopes up too much) we would be free to really do what we wanted. If we wanted to go to Boston for a day (like we have been talking about doing for a couple of years), or even a weekend, we could. My mother would be here and would gladly let the dogs out for us and make sure they were fed. If my husband and I wanted to go see a movie... we could. His mom is not able to watch the kids like she used to be... it has to involve a long drawn out ordeal - we had reached this point even before we left here last year. And... in ways I just think it would be nice to have her (and my brother) around. I would have to insure she knew it was an APARTMENT arrangement, which I already made clear (though I would reiterate it a few times) so, after she initially settled in she would know we are not living TOGETHER, just under the same roof. Does that make sense?

Now... my only problem is my husband. HE gave me this idea. HE made this offer first. And now he is threatening to stick me between the worst rock and hard place I have ever been in. I have already offered this to my mother, by HIS suggestion. And I feel like he suggested it, expecting he would never have to follow through with it. He has to "think about it" - meanwhile my mother is already relieved thinking she has somewhere to go. I mean... what the hell am I supposed to do here? If he was going to have such an issue, why the hell did he even suggest it? I just feel ready to completely break down over this. Seriously.

I feel like we did the right thing, offering her a place. I have had the opportunity in the past and never done it, and the time was not right then, my life with my husband was strained, things just were not concrete enough. But now, I feel like things are good... and what if he forces me to have stuck my foot in my mouth? He "needs a few days" - I just don't know what to say... or do.
I have been thrown into this "stuck between everyone" position that I despise - and resent. Why the hell would he suggest it if he wasn't serious?

06.22.2005
12:42 p.m.